The Order of Things

so yeah.....i've been talking a lot about the baby stuff.....

but i haven't mentioned anything about the whole marriage stuff.....

i guess i've been thinking things out of order.....lol

but yes, i want the wedding.....i want the dress.....i want it all.....

and my boyfriend is frustrating in this area as well....

he's stated on 3 occassions that perhaps he would like to marry me:

-once he said, "You know this time next year, we'll probably be married"
-another time we were talking and he said "I know exactly how I want to propose to you. It might make you mad because it won't be a great story to tell your friends but I've has this idea since I was young.
-and then another time i left the stove on in my apartment and he told me "I hope you don't do that when we're married."

And now....NOW his pulling this whole, "i'm never getting married"......"i don't want to get married"......"marriage sucks" crap.....

what did i do???

he showed signs that he wanted to get married.....and now he doesn't.....

it's frustrating and confusing.....

if he doesn't want to get married, i wish he would not tease me about it.....

he's planted that seed in my head, it grew a bit.....but with all this "never-getting-married" issue.....it's been trampled back into the ground......

*sigh*

from memory, forgive mistakes, but this just popped into my head

[sigh no more, ladies sigh no more
men were deceivers ever
one foot in sea and one on shore
to one thing, constant never
so sign not so, but let them go
and be you blithe and bonny
converting all, your sounds of woe
into hey, nonny, nonny!]

my dream dress.....if it ever happens......

A Vertical Cockroach

so, i had the "i-want-children-you-don't-want-children" talk with my boyfriend last night....it was confusing....there may be hope with him yet....but something did puzzle me....

he was so willing to let me go....he said that if i wanted to leave him to find someone else who will give me kids, that he would let me go....and not be mad....and he didn't want to "hold me back".....

this statement made me upset....

if you love someone, wouldn't you be willing to do anything for them to make them happy???

i guess this is his way of going about it....that he loves me so much, that he willing to let me go, so i can be happy.....

but......what the fuck is that shit?!?!?!

i mean, yeah....i get it.....but ARG!!!!

let's slow this down a bit....

i...want....to....have....a....child....with.....the.....man....whom.....i....love

i love HIM.....i want to have a child with HIM....i don't love anyone else.....i DON'T WANT anyone else.....

he's good to me.....we laugh ourselves to sleep.....he helps to take care of me.....

and i don't want to let him go.....

i want him to want to have a child with me......he wanted children before......and now he doesn't....and it upsets me......it makes me feel like i'm not good enough to be a mother to his child or i feel that he doesn't love me enough to want to give me a child.....

i know.....i know.....if he's like THIS, why on earth do i want to procreate with this man???....if he's like THIS, then why do i love him???

shit, if i knew that, i wouldn't be here now would i???

i went home and slept in my own bed without him.....

and i woke up this morning, knowing that i had been dreaming, but couldn't remember what i dreamt about......the one thing i distictively remember is a cockroach.....like those in samoa.....those big ones that fly.....just one, standing on a white vertical wall.....my brother Henry was there trying to kill it.....but it was big and didn't want to squish it as it would be messy.....so he got it on a paper and let it go outside.....

and of course i had to interpret the meaning.....i don't ever remember dreaming about cockroaches....

"To see a cockroach in your dream, signifies your need for renewal, rejuvenation and self-cleansing of your psychological, emotional, or spiritual being. You need to reevaluate major aspects of your life."

well i already know i need all that crap.....

it's the whole i "need to reevaluate major aspects of [my] life" that's got me

shit.....

i was thinking about my conversation with J while i was getting ready for work.....and a thought popped into my head.....

what if i'm not destined to be a mother???

what if i'm not supposed to have kids???

what if i CAN'T have kids???

what would life be like for me if i can't/not destined to have kids???

to never feel a baby grow and move in my belly???

to never look at something or even someone so proud and say "I made that"

to never do what a man cannot.....give birth, give life - to a miracle.....

what if it's just not meant to be???

*sigh*