yesterday i cried

well.....yesterday was going well.....still broke......still budgeting.....still waiting for the weekend to come.....everything was going fine.....

then bryan called......he's been calling on and off......and everytime he calls, he sounds worse and worse......doctors said that it was allergies making him cough.....but then he went back, cos he couldn't breathe and he was coughing so much......they don't think it's pneumonia......but they got him on several prescriptions, including codeine and two inhalers......and he sounded like he was coughing up a lung.....

well our vacation together isn't until the 28th.....and he mentioned that he might not make it cos he's just sick.....he doesn't feel aweful or have a fever......he's just coughing up stuff......and he said that he would just send someone to the airport to pick me up and that i could have the room......ALL BY MYSELF......a WHOLE week......by myself......in fort lauderdale.....with no car (bryan and i were planning on using his car since he's driving from warner robins, georgia)......only knowing a few people......but literally all by myself.......i told him that he better get well and not ditch me......since it was HIS idea to do this.....and HE picked the hotel and location.....

i just hope he gets better......i seriously don't wanna go by myself.....i really don't......and i don't wanna cancel the trip either......i was really looking forward to this trip......having bryan show me around.....and hanging out......and going to the bars......and cooking for me......stuff like that......stuff we talked about doing......and it just seems that all that is just gone......i'll be stuck at this hotel.....all by myself......i don't have money to rent a car......and some of my friends will be unavailable to hang with me......i mean.....it just not going to be the same.....

a part of me kinda knew he would ditch me......everyone eventually does......

then i went home......to an empty house cos everyone was doing something......flipped on the tube and saw that MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING was just beginning......and i love this movie......the first time i saw it, was with david......we watched it a couple of weeks before we started dating......i was on the verge of calling my ex at the time......extremely depressed cos it was around valentines day......and david saw this and took me to the dollars to see this movie......

but this time around......when i watched it......i could just feel exactly how toula felt......bored, old, the pressure to get married, all that......and then she starts going to school, fixes herself up a little bit, gets a new job......and finds the man of her dreams......and me, already feeling down about bryan cancelling, i just started to cry......thinking that i would NEVER find a guy......especially one as dedicated as ian was toward toula......NEVER......

then i went to my room and layed in bed......wondering about stuff......thinking about stuff i shouldn't be thinking......i just couldn't sleep......i cried and then drifted off to sleep......then i would have a bad dream.....

i dreamt that i was in fort lauderdale......all by myself......sitting on the floor in my room......with a knife.....and i was crying hysterically......asking god to send someone to save me from myself......but no one came......

and i woke up.....

i layed in bed wondering what MY purpose of life is......why the heck am i even here????......i mean if i died tomorrow......it wouldn't matter to anyone......and i started crying again......feeling so alone......and unloved.....feeling that no one cared.......

and i fell back asleep......only to have the same dream again......but this time......when i was asking god to send someone to save me......something came over me in the dream......and i dropped the knife......and then the room disappeared and it was kinda cloudy/smokey......and then i saw a boy......about 15 or 16......saying to me "mom, what are you doing?"......and then in my dream, i wake up on the floor at the hotel......

and then i woke up again in my bed......

they say a dream is a WISH your heart makes.......

like i'm wishing to die......but also wishing to live......and wishing to have kids......and what not......

it just seems soooo unlikely......

i mean.....i don't feel like ANYONE would wanna love me......i mean, let's face it.....i have a lot of issues......i'm not pretty......or skinny......and i'm just not worth all the headaches......and seeing everyone happy and finding that special someone and living life......makes me feel soooo left out......and broken......

i feel worthless......

and yesterday i cried