week in review....may 21 - may 27

May 21
saturday i didn't do much so there really isn't much to talk about on that day except staying up ALLLL night (literally) playing a game called Age of Empires......which is *like* my favorite PC game, warcraft III: reign of chaos.......warcraft is better by far......but this game was given to us.......and we don't have warcraft anymore......and basically beggars can't be choosers......*shrugs*

May 22
sunday......well since i was playing that damn addicting game all saturday night, way into the early morning hours with henry......well, lets just say......i didn't get to sleep until 8am in the morning......i woke up at 3pm because now phil was in my room playing the game.....and i decided to cook dinner......i was getting sick of top ramen......so i got out some chicken and baked it with potatoes, enough for all of us......and then i made some kool-aid......now the significance of me cooking dinner and making kool-aid is that i NEVER cook......doesn't mean i can't......i just don't......unless you count all the stuff you can cook/warm up in a microwave or in the toaster oven.......then i'm the best cook around......but baking stuff and cooking things from scratch......that's very rare for me to do......shocked the hell out of my family.......

May 23
monday......had to drive the caravan for the rest of this week cos my car is broken......i hate driving the van......it's too freeeeaking big......and i lost out on rock-paper-scissors with henry to use my mom's car......so i now have the *pleasure* of driving a caravan around.......*sighs*

so i'm back at work......doing what i do.....trying to think if it's even worth working here or not......the department head from the college called me back again to make sure i emailed my resume off to the other travel agency......and basically told me that i had the job......they just need to make everything official.......i told her that my company actually wanted to keep me now.......doing office stuff and help manage the charter.......and she told me that i should take this new job and that i shouldn't stay with the company that i'm at now.......i'll get paid more, i'll get more benefits and a ton of travel discounts.......and told me to go for it......

this brought back that feeling of being torn again......didn't know what to do......should i stay or should i go????.......and now i felt obligated since she vouched for me to this other company and i felt commited to at least send my resume.......so i emailed my resume over to the other agency......who knows???......they might not even like me and won't wanna hire me.......

then my friend doug messaged me on my yahoo IM.......i hadn't talked to him for the longest time.......probably since last november or something like that......we met on a social networking site called tickle back in 2003 (around the same time i met bryan AND on the same site - yeah, i'm a tickle bandit)......and was actually introduced by a mutual friend we liked to call nosher.......and with me and doug......we have the type of relationship where we wouldn't be able to talk to each other for a while......and when we get the chance.......it feels like no time has passed......we can just pick up where we left off.......and it's kinda hard to keep in touch because he's overseas in the military a lot or he's busy playing with crocadiles and snakes......(also with being in the military, he is also a doctor in herpetology)......

we'd chat for hours......about nothing......literally.......and then we'd talk about stuff that's been bothering me.......and he'd talk about stuff that'd been happening with him.......however this chat was different......he seem elusive......saying he wanted to tell me something......but didn't want to do.......and stuff like that.......and i'm the kind of person who doesn't push people too much when they're on the edge like that.......so i told him to tell me when he's comfortable......and what not......but he it was something that he wanted to get off his chest.......so he called me at work......

and we talked on the phone for a little over two hours.......don't worry, i was still working......doing paperstuff......and answering the other line when there were incoming calls......and we talked about the whole situation that happened with me last week and he talked about getting shot in the belly in iraq and that he requested to go back out.......and stuff like that......then he went onto the important stuff that's been bugging him......he told me that when he got shot that the only thing he thought about was me......and that if something happened to him while he was deployed......i wouldn't know what happened to him.....and that he wanted to tell me something else before he died.......that he was in love with me......

i was shocked that he actually said those words......sure, he's told me that he loved me......but i always took that he loved me as a friend.......back in the day with our friendship started......we made a deal (which he brought up, i might add) that we would not fall in love with each other.......he made me promise not to fall in love with him.......so i made him promise not to fall in love with me.......and since then, after we got to know each other more......and chat and talk on the phone......i started to regret our deal......though i never mentioned it to doug......because he was the one who started the deal......and basically told me not to fall in love with him......so i locked my feelings away......never revealing them or even hinting at them......and then to hear him say that HE was IN LOVE with ME......made me feel good......i wasn't scared or anything......it just felt a little strange.......because i've locked my feelings away for so long and i've refused to feel more for him than just friendship......it felt wierd to know that feeling this way towards doug was now okay......

he went on to say that he missed me soooo much and that he thought of me every day......and i did have to admit that i think about him from time to time......wondering how he's doing......where he's at......stuff like that......it just felt strange to me that someone would actually miss me.....or care for me......and loved me.......i mean when you haven't heard words like that in such a long time......you forget that you matter......that you're important......and feeling down on myself lately and feeling so alone......you forget what the feeling when someone says that i have their heart......

i've been so far away from the sun in the shadows of despair for so long......that the warmth of sun seems alien to me.....

and that's how i feel about doug......i've been in love with him for so long......but it's been locked away for just as long......letting it out to breathe......and telling myself that it's alright to feel this way......makes me feel different inside......not different in a bad way.......or a scary way......but in a strange kinda way.......like excited for the unknown.......anxious to explore but leery to raise anchor........

and then doug went on to say that he would like to add me onto his notification papers with the military.......that way if something happened to him i would be notified just like in the movies with two soldiers and an army chaplan knocking on my door......and since they didn't have a category for "best friend", he'd have to list me as "significant other".......i told him that i would be fine with that......didn't know if he was allowed to do that or not......but he said that i'm the only one important enough to put on there.......i was basically speechless.......and honored.......

and another thing about doug......it seems like he understands me.......like he knows what i'm thinking and sees things the way i see it......and we can talk and talk about almost anything......

May 24
tuesday.....so i'm at work and i get a call from the manager at the travel agency that i sent my resume to......and he's excited to meet me......and we set up an interview for the next day.......i figured "what the hell???"......it wouldn't hurt to see what they're like.....i mean it's a call center 45 minutes from my house.......and i've already done the call center thing.......and i don't think i'd wanna drive all the way to have a 90 minute to 2 hour commute everyday......but i figured i could check it out......and see what they have to say and offer......

then after that, my brother phil called and he was literally yelling at me......asking if i made my car payment......i told him that i did......and he said that i didn't because someone went over to my house saying that i didn't make my car payment......and that if i don't call them by 5pm......they would be back to take my car.......

i was like "what the fuck?!?!?!"........ made my car payment......i'm staring at the money order receipt in front of me......I'M HOLDING THE GAWD DAMN PIECE OF PAPER STATING THAT I DID MAKE MY PAYMENT!!!!!!!!......so i called them and told them i sent it......and they're telling me that they never got it......and if they don't get it by tomorrow at 10am, i'll have to go down there......AND PAY AGAIN!!!!!!....... WTF!!!!!!.....i don't have money to pay a DOUBLE car payment.......i don't have money to PAY AGAIN......and they won't even take the receipt that i paid as proof......they want me to go do there......make a payment and then put a stop on the money order i did......WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!

(btw you can't put a stop payment on a money order you bastards)

with the raw feelings going on with my job situation and broken car......after the threat of them taking my car......my eyes started to water.......i mean......i had the freeeeeaking reciept showing i paid......and it wasn't "proof" enough.......and what made me especially upset was the fact that ALL my payments have been on time.......ALL OF THEM.......and the ONE time, they can't find my payment......the ONE time the payment isn't applied on time.......they threaten to take me car????......that the hell is that?????.......made me soooooo upset......

and then my intern came in......and for some freeeeaking reason, he can't follow simple directions......even numbered directions.......written down directions......he just can't follow them.......or when i'm talking to him, showing him something.......he gets up in the middle of what i'm saying and starts walking around......like looking out the window......plus he goes outside to smoke every 20 minutes.......seriously.......he's here 4 hours and he's out there every hour......AND when i'm talking to him, trying to do my job in training him......he's constantly looking at his watch......like he has something more important to do........i would never hire him......and from his work ethic......it's going to be hard for him to find a job.......

i finished up with work......went home......and watched my favorite show NCSI......with mark harmon......this was the season finale where they were going to kill someone off.......and i was pissed at the fact that i love every character on the show......and for them to kill one of the off......i was like "ah man".......my mother and i were trying to figure out who was going to be killed off the show.......she thought "probie" was going to get killed off......and i thought "caitlin" was......and i was right.......it's a shame though......there were only two female regular leads......and they killed off one of them......and then i watched HOUSE.......cos i think hugh laurie is hawt.......

May 25
wednesday......still driving the damn caravan......came into work.......and sent bryan an email with my itinerary.......my flight numbers and arrival information......i'm just saying that he better be there and not ditch me......i don't think i could handle another crisis.......

i left around 2pm to go to my interview at the other agency.......which is about 20 minutes south-west from my job.......and when i got there......i was impressed how the call center was set up......right when you walk in......you'll see people on the phones......no room for an entry way or lobby......i really didn't know where to go......so i stood there......looking a little lost......amoung the employees there on the phones.......i was relieved when a lady came up to me saying they were just finishing up an interview and gave me an application to fill out......

i sat at an empty desk and filled out my application.......noticed they wanted me to do a drug test......not a problem since i've never done any illicit drug in my life.......and they wanted to check my credit report.......honestly, my credit report is sooooo bad......started with my brother phil racking up $1500 worth of charges on my first cellphone.....and me getting everything consolidated through a credit thingy.......lets just say......no one would want to steal my identity because they would not get far......

anyway, while i was sitting there.......i listened to the travel agents around me.......and listened to their calls......and listened to the agents ask each other questions and stuff like that.......and i imagined that i could definately see myself working in an environment like this......it was a casual atmosphere......and most of the agents that i could see were young.......in their 20's and 30's.......finally the manager came out who was to interview me.......and we talked about what i do for my company.......which vendors i was familiar with......and what not......i felt the interview went very well......in fact he wanted me to come back the next day for a 2nd interview with the travel agent supervisor......we set it up......and i was out of there within an hour.......

as i was driving back to work......i realized that they agency i just interviewed for did not offer any parttime positions......i'm willing to work nights there and work mornings at my current job......that was fine with me......but they said they wouldn't know what schedule i would be getting because their schedules are based on a bid and senority......and i would get the "left over" schedule.......

i figured that i would go back the next day and maybe they won't hire me *shrugs*......

May 26
thursday.......got some quotes to work on for work......and while i was working on that......i created a worksheet for the intern to do......and i talked to one of our flight attendants for about an hour.......i've never had the opportunity to talk to her until now......and she was very pleasant to talk to.......

the intern came in and i handed him the worksheet i created for him.....and lets just say......he didn't follow any of the instructions YET AGAIN.......and didn't do ANYTHING i told him to do......he was pissing me off big time......and i don't even think he finished it......he was playing on the internet.......yeah.....*I* play on the internet......but at least all my tasks are done......freeeeeakin making me mad......he doesn't pay attention......doesn't follow instruction well.....and is more concerned about smoking than anything else......he is never going to succeed with his lack of focus.......i beginning to think he has AADD......or something......cos *I* know it's not me......it's him......and watching him work......answered my question on why he didn't have a job now......

then i chatted with doug on yahoo......he literally made me blush......and asked me, now that i know how he felt......what was going to happen now.......and i gave him the most honest answer i had......i told him it's hard to do anything about it when we're so far apart......and i also told him that i could not make a commitment to him until we meet......(yeah yeah, i haven't met doug in real life....shutup and back up off of me......i don't wanna hear any lip about being in love with someone you haven't "met" per se).......

i mean......i've told myself to not fall in love with doug for months.......and convinced myself that i didn't love him......but i remember i did.....i would fantacize about it......things he said that i deserved, like how i would need to find someone to love me for who i am and wouldn't want me to change.......and how i would wish that he would be that certain "someone"......and i know i can love him again.......just need to let myself fall in love again.......but it's just been soooo long......and that's why i couldn't commit to doug......and much as i wanted to.......i couldn't......not until we meet each other face to face.......and that way i can really let myself go......and fall in love with a face, and smile, and person......instead of really falling in love with words on a screen and a voice over the phone......and after i told him that......he said he understood......and that he would wait for me......he'd wait an eternity for me......

i've heard all these words before......and they were lies.......but hearing them from doug seemed different......

anyway he told me he got orders to head out again.......so i probably won't hear from him for a while again.......

May 27 - Today
friday.....well.....this is the day.......the day where i start packing and getting ready for my trip tomorrow......FORT LAUDERDALE HERE I COME!!!!!!......