Rant Rant Rant from Myspace Blog

THIS WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED IN MY MYSPACE BLOG.....I THEN DECIDED TO USE MY MYSPACE BLOG FOR PHOTOS ONLY AND MOVED THIS ONE OVER HERE......

so.....i just got off the phone with bryan.....and he just doesn't "get" me ya know???

so we were discussing a girl he met on the cruise (a girl who came on the cruise by herself and was one of the travel partners there).....and this girl digs him and he digs her and what not.....but she has a boyfriend.....she's cool and everything.....i like her....in fact, in my drunken/sleepy stupor.....i told bryan that they would make a cute couple and what not.....if she didn't have a boyfriend or what not.....and that maybe they should hang out a bit.....

anyway.....the next day of the cruise (after my drunken stupor conversation).....and me and the girl are layin out on the deck.....bryan finds us.....tells me that some people were looking to hang out with me and that i should go find them and what not.....so he can spend some time with this girl.....(well he didn't say that EXACTLY....but it was implied).....so i take the hint.....and go find this couple who wanna hang out with me.....and leave bryan and this girl to hang out.....and that was a little in the afternoon about 1pm.....

anyway....so i find this other couple and we spend a couple of hours hanging out.....i win a bit in the casino.....we go do battle of the sexes.....we even go to the liquor store on the ship and con the guy into giving us free shots of rum and stuff.....by now it's about 5pm.....and the couple i'm hangin out with wanna go hang out with other people and ditch me....actually they pass me off to some other girls that i don't even know.....

so i end up hanging out with some strangers i don't even know.....i'm drunk.....in desperate need of a cigarette (BTW, bryan made me quit and it's really kickin my ass cos i really wanna smoke right now....but damn bryan has me on a guilt trip)......anyway.....these girls who i don't even know.....see that i'm a bit upset.....and ask what's wrong.....

and i'm drunk.....and i tell them that my friend who i brought on the cruise who i've known for YEARS.....would rather hang out with a girl.....than hang out with me.....and the people he tried to pass me off on.....just ditched me too.....and that i was getting depressed because no one wanted to hang out with me.....and instead of pouting about it in my room.....i'm out and about getting drunk.....

and these girls.....i felt sooo bad because i didn't even know who they were.....and here i was a little upset.....and drunk.....and they got me MORE drunk.....told me that i should drink more.....
so i did.....i drank more.....and then i got into my head (while talking to these girls) that i shouldn't have even came on the cruise.....that i should have just gave the passes to bryan, if he was just going to hang out with this girl.....and i started to wonder that yeah, maybe i should have.....i mean obviously he doesn't want to hang out with me.....and then i started to get REALLY depressed.....

so after i had a talk with these girls.....they saw how upset i was.....and gave me a pack of cigarettes.....told me that i might need them.....i excused myself.....and stumbled back to my room....

i get there.....and there's no sign of bryan.....i mean....i "know" where he's at.....but i wasn't going to bother him.....instead i leave him an angry note telling him that i was mad at him.....but didn't tell him why.....i change my clothes and go find some people to hang out with at the sushi bar.....because i wasn't about to pout in my room waiting for him to come back "home"......
so i get to the sushi bar....and the couple i was hanging out with before are up there.....and they wanna hang out with me again.....i thought that was cool.....but it made me even more depressed cos now there were 3 couples all together hanging out.....and then me.....yeah.....that was sad.....i felt soooo alone.....at least if bryan was with me.....even though we weren't together.....at least it would have evened out things.....

so the seven of us start to hang out.....we're eating sushi.....watching the sunset......i'm still drinking cos not only did those girls earlier give me a pack of unopened cigarettes....they also gave me two water bottles full of rum.....i was just starting the first bottle.....

we get kicked off the deck cos the crew was washing the deck.....and we end up my the pool.....by now the husbands leave to go gamble.....leaving us girl to go talk......so we get to the pool.....and of course there's a bar there.....and of course these ladies can also see i'm a bit peeved.....and THEY start buying me drinks.....

so here i am....with rum and coke in one hand......and a corona in the other.....i go off and tell these ladies.....in my drunken stupor that my friend, who i brought because i wanted to spend time with him before he got sent to iraq.....would rather spend time with this other girl, than me.....i go on to explain that i wasn't jealous or anything.....cos yeah.....i don't like bryan "that" way.....i go on to explain it in this way:

"say you and a friend who you hadn't seen in a long time, plan to go hang out....talk....drink....and have a good time.....but when you get to place you're going to hang out at, your friend finds someone else to hang out with.....and you're friend who rather hang out with THEM....then you....and you're just sitting there.....watching your friend hang out....talk....drink and have a good time with someone else.....and you're left wondering ----why the hell am i even here, if he's just going to do that??----....now if you wanna call that jealousy.....then yeah.....i'm jealous.....i'm jealous that my friend, who i've known for years would rather hang out with a girl he just met.....then with me....especially when WE came on this trip together as friends.....i could care less if he hooks up with her.....cos i like her.....she's cool.....he can fuck her for all i care.....all i wanted was his time and respect....."
and after i explained it that way to the ladies.....they understood where i was coming from.....yeah....sure i told bryan that i would be a good idea to hang out with her.....but i didn't think it would be for the whole day.....and i definately didn't think he would show his affection for her in front of me.....especially when i'm already sensitive because i don't have anyone.....

well....after ranting a bit about bryan.....these cute guys from ohio....(DAYTON ohio nonetheless....lol) sat down at the table next to us.....so i start talking to them.....still with my rum and coke in one hand.....and my corona in the other.....and they were cute.....i nic'd them "hot guys" cos for the life of me.....i couldn't remember their names.....lol.....

so while i was talking to them.....bryan found me.....and i was a "loud drunk" at this point....introducing him to the ladies and the hot guys as my "roommate".....and everyone goes "ooohhh".....and nodding a bit....and giving bryan the evil eye.....so bryan feels the tension....and gets up and leaves.....the hot guys (there were 3 of them) and the ladies ask me if that's really me roommate....and i said yes.....and they automatically don't like him....lol....yeah....cos i was ranting about him for a while.....

so i get up and sit with the hot guys.....and we talk a bit until they are fetched for by one of their family members.....by then....i was wondering whether to show up for dinner or not with bryan.....the ladies told me to come eat with them.....but i figure bryan might worry about me.....so i go meet him in the dining room for dinner.....

(which i have to mention that dinner was at 8:30pm.....i hadn't seen bryan or talked to him or got the chance to hang out with him since he gave me that hint to leave him at lunch)

anyway i get to dinner and i was pretty quiet.....slipping more rum and coke which i smuggled to dinner in my purse.....and bryan was trying to "take care" of me.....like he does when i'm drunk.....but i wasn't havin it.....i stayed mostly quiet for the rest of dinner.....listening to everyone talk.....and by now.....all emotion was starting to show.....i was at dinner.....holding back tears.....because i just felt like i was "inconveniencing" bryan because i wanted him to hang out with me.....i mean i hadn't even seen him the whole day.....and yeah....drinking while your depressed.....isn't the best idea.....

so at the end of dinner......bryan and the girl decide to go to the show.....and i was sick of not being able to hang out with him the whole day.....i invited myself to join them......bryan has me walk with the girl....and she tells me that he told her that i was mad at him....and she asked why.....i told her it was personal.....cos i didn't want her to feel bad for my "issues" i have.....and try to push my feelings of being unwanted and neglected aside.....

we go to the show and bryan is sitting inbetween us.....and i'm hella emotional at this point.....i'm still drinking rum and coke.....(basically, i got free cokes on the ship....so i kept ordering those.....and then mixing my own drink with the rum i carried in my purse which was in the water bottle those first set of girls gave me).....and i'm drinking rum and coke.....and bryan PDA'ing the girl.....putting his arm around her and whispering in her ear.....basically making me feel like the biggest third wheel in history.....and my emotions start to swell.....and i start shedding tears in the dark auditorium as i realize that i shouldn't have even came on the trip....those girls were right.....as i realize that i'm not going to be hanging out with bryan for the rest of the trip like i planned.....and i'm also realizing that bryan would rather hang out with her....than me.....and that the point of this trip was for US to hang out before he gets deployed.....has just been changed from me and him.....to me, him and her.....not what i had in mind at all.....

bryan of course doesn't notice me upset.....or doesn't care.....and i excuse myself.....whispering in bryan's ear that i "need to pee".....and i go to the bathroom.....i'm wondering whether or not i should go back to the show.....or fuck it.....grab some more rum.....the pack of cigarettes.....and pull up a beach chair and camp out on the deck.....but i decide to go back.....thinking that dammit.....i'm on a fuckin cruise.....and i'm going to MAKE myself have a good time.....and that i'm not going to let me "issues" stop me.....

so i go back to the show.....i'm a little better now.....now that i basically slapped myself for letting my "issues" get in the way.....and i'm back to drinking.....(some more).....the three of us head off to the karaoke bar......and i'm better now.....not so emotional.....but more like....."getting over it".....ya know....."getting over the fact that my friend doesn't wanna spend time with me.....i mean....he's having fun.....why should i ruin it?".....so i try to tell bryan that i'm not mad at him anymore.....(i've just reached "happy drunk" now).....but he's mad.....and starts yelling at me.....because he frustrated with the way i've been acting.....and i tell him...."ya know what???....forget it.....lets just drop it"......and we do.....

we start drinking.....and hanging out.....we're now with the rest of our dinner party.....taking pics.....talking.....eating (again).....and doing karaoke.....(it's about 12am) .....after that the three of us hit the club......i have now reached "belligerently drunk".....and i'm talking to the girl with bryan in between us.....and we're talking and having fun.....laughing.....and all that.....because again.....i like this girl.....the only thing is that she has a boyfriend and she's over here flirting with bryan.....that kinda bugged me.....not the flirting part.....but the boyfriend part.....i mean.....where is this girl's loyalty????

anyway.....we danced....we drank.....we go back up to the rooms.....i head off to our room.....and bryan heads off with the girl to her room.....

i get to my room.....still riding the emotional rollercoaster that i've been on.....and going through the levels of drunkeness....and i lay on the bed.....and start to think about the day....and how i've been acting and what not.....

after about 1/2 hour.....bryan comes "home" and i look at him.....he's still wearing his clothes and i ask him "so how was it??".....but he denies anything happened......and he's trying to get me to get into bed right.....i guess in my drunken stupor while i was thinking about the day.....i was still fully clothed.....upside down on the bed with my feet under the pillow.....he tells me to get up....and get ready for bed.....and i tell him that i don't need to that i can sleep like that.....but then he gets pretty stern and tells me to get up and get ready for bed.....

so i sit up....and while he was in the bathroom.....i strip to my tank top.....and get under the covers (the right way).....before he comes back out.....

he comes back out and i'm talking to him.....i forget what was said.....but i basically apologize for my behavior....and tell him that i was being selfish.....cos i wanted him to hang out with me and only me.....

he's tired and doesn't want to talk about it....and we go to sleep.....

the next day.....we're in key west.....and it's us 3.....again.....and we're walking and what not.....all over the city.....we're talking and just hangin out as if the day before didn't even happen.....at one point bryan is tired and goes back to the ship.....so me and the girl are hanging out.....

(oh yeah.....this girl was always with me....or bryan....or the both of us...which again kinda bugged me cos me and bryan didn't have as much "alone" time to just sit and talk about things as i thought we would.....but what *I* wanted....doesn't really matter or count at this point....because bryan was having a good time with this girl.....so why should i ruin it for him???.....to me, him having a good time was more important to me)

anyway....me and the girl do some shopping....we're talking....taking pics.....we had lunch.....all that.....because to be honest.....she's really nice to hang around with....and she's pretty cool.....except for the whole loyalty part to her boyfriend which i already mentioned.....

and yes.....we've already started drinking......me and her decide that we're going to do our own "bar crawl".....we've already had two margaritas in margaritaville.....and so we start to hit the bars.....

by now...bryan is rested and wants to join us.....so we meet up.....and start drinking our way back to the ship.....just the three of us hanging out.....we get back to the ship.....and we get to our corridors......and i'm heading off to the room thinking bryan is behind me getting excited that maybe i'll finally be able to talk to him about the other night.....but when i turn around....he's gone with the girl.....

damn.....i think to myself....he left me again.....so i start to occupy myself.....running around the ship.....going to the bank to get our room bill.....which was about $40 over budget.....go to the casino to cash in my winnings from the day before to pay for the room bill.....and walk around the ship to see if i can find anyone to hang out with.....cos yes.....i'm alone again....but i wasn't upset.....i was slowly getting over (or getting used to) the whole "being ditched" feeling.....

i get back to the room.....and bryan is still not there......and it's been a couple of hours now.....i start figuring out the room charges.....fill out my survey of the ship.....do my immigration form.....anything to make the feeling of being neglected consume me.....

finally bryan comes back home....about 7:45pm (we got back to the ship BEFORE 5:00pm).....chewing gum....lol.....i start to question him to see what happened.....and he still denies nothing happened.....and then we start talking about the previous day.....and he's getting mad cos he doesn't understand why i was upset because i told him that he should go hang out with her.....and all that.....and i tell him that i was upset cos i didn't mean hang out with her all the time and just leave me especially when we came together.....yeah hang out with her....but still leave some time for me....and all that.....and i told him i felt used.....and everything i felt.....he gave me a little hug.....and we started talking and made things right between us.....and then she comes knockin on the door.....

i thought to myself....."you've got to be kidding me....i get him back to 30 minutes and you want him back already???....grrrr"......she's come to go to dinner.....and bryan's in the bathroom.....me and her are talking and we go to dinner.....after dinner, the three of us excuse ourselves early without dessert.....

me and bryan head back to the room.....and start to pack up cos it's our last night......we're talking about stuff.....what's gone on during the trip....stuff like that.....and she comes knockin on the door again.....this time she's telling us she got her luggage tags switched so she can hang out with us in miami after the cruise before her flight home.....

and she's asking us what time we're going to wake her up.....and i tell her that bryan will get in the morning around 7am.....and she's like...."okay" and leaves.....and me and bryan are looking at each other wondering if she heard us talking about her.....cos you can hear conversations through the door.....and both of our voices carry pretty well.....

anyway.....more about the cruise later.....i'm here to rant.....

so bryan drunk calls me....and we're talking.....and for some reason.....we start talking about this incident.....about him ditching me.....and according to him.....he didn't ditch me.....because i basically gave him "permission" to hang out with this girl.....but i go on to argue.....that it isn't that fact that he went to hang out with her.....it was the fact that i didn't feel like he spent that much time with me.....it seemed like he spent most of his time with her.....and then started to point out that when HE wasn't with her.....*I* was with her.....and then we start arguing about how much time was spent with whom....and then i bring up the "third wheel" remark....and then he bluntly says that if i tell him to hang out with someone.....who i think would be a good match.....that i should expect to be a "third wheel".....and that i brought this upon myself......and i tell him that just because i tell him to go hang out with her.....doesn't mean to completely ignore me.....and that i felt like i was being used......and then he said it wasn't like that and that i made the girl feel uncomfortable because she thought i was jealous of her.....well YEAH.....i was jealous.....but not cos bryan was into her....but because bryan wanted to hang out with her more than he wanted to hang out with me....and me and bryan start arguing again.....and the i start yelling at him to let me talk.....and for him just to listen......and i go on to explain exactly how i felt about the whole situation.....that he made me feel unwanted....and made me feel like i was in the "wrong place"....how he made me feel that i shouldn't even be there.....and all that......my voice started to shake.....and i was crying......i told him that the couple who he passed me off on.....also ditched me....and i was left feeling that no one wanted to hang out with me......and all that.....and at the end of my speech.....i didn't hear anything on the other end.....i checked my phone and it showed i was still connected to bryan.....but he wasn't responding.....either he fell asleep....put me on hold.....or hung up on me and it didn't disconnect on my side......

and that pissed me off to high heaven......i'm bearing my heart out on how much i was hurt.....and he wasn't even listening.....

that boy makes me mad......i can stay awake and listen to him talk about everything under the sun for hours.....but when it comes to when i wanna talk.....he doesn't even hear me.....
grrr.....i really wishing i had someone to hold me.....i really wish i had someone's shoulder right now.....

top ten reasons why i will never be romantically interested in bryan:

1. i'm not his type....why kid myself???....("type" meaning i'm too fat....i'm categorized to him as "gross and nasty"....which does put a damper on how i feel about myself.....i'm unpretty....)
2. he doesn't know me as well as he should...even after 2 1/2 years, 2 vacations together and talking to him all the time.....
3. he doesn't have the patience to put up with me....
4. his temper frightens me.....yeah.....i've seen it....not necessarily directed at me....but yeah....it's scary....
5. nothing i say or do is ever good enough for him.....he critizes everything.....
6. he's a little too skinny for me.....i feel like i could break him....
7. he's too experienced.....yeah.....i can tell you stories.....
8. it would be too wierd.....especially when i don't see him that way.....what i know about him, makes him sooo NOT attractive to me......
9. we don't have that many things in common.....we're both wired so differently....i think the only thing we have in common right now is music....
10. he drinks.....and i'm not into drinkers....

AND THIS IS WHAT RYAN HAD TO SAY

Wow Ro, sorry to hear the cruise didn't turn out the way you had planned. And I really hate to be the honest one here, but you're my friend, so I feel obligated to tell you my thoughts on this...

Bryan seems to obviously be the wrong "guy" for you. Being casual friends is one thing, but I get the impression you want to be more than that... even though you already know it wouldn't work out. I keep up with reading your blogs whenever I can, and I have to say, I feel like I know more about him than you. He always seems to be on your mind... and that should tell you something.

Now, of course I'm not judging you or anything. I'm not even saying it's a bad thing. I'm only trying to point out my observations. We all need to to try to see ourselves from a different point of view every once in awhile. And that's what friends are for. : ) So I'm not trying to discourage you...

It seems to me that you need more/new friends to hang out with. People you get along with more, who actually care about your feelings. Someone you can go do things with without having to feel like a third wheel. People who actually pay attention to your needs and care about helping. That's what real friends do... And there are plenty of them out there. Don't think that Bryan is the only one... he's not.

AND THIS WAS MY RESPONSE TO RYAN'S COMMENT:

thanks ryan.....

and yes i talk about bryan a lot.....to me.....he's a good friend.....he makes me laugh.....he makes me mad.....just like how david was with me.....and i used to sit there and talk about him all the time......

now don't get me wrong.....i DID have a good time on the cruise.....i mean i did make friends.....i hung out with people.....i drank a lot.....i got to gamble on the $5 blackjack table (which is my favorite gambling game).....i got to play with and feed the stingrays.....i ate sushi (which i'm not fond of but did it anyway).....i laid out on the deck.....watched the sunset and got a great tan.....i did a lot of things.....i just thought i would be doing more of them with bryan is all.....*shrugs*......

i don't know really how i feel about bryan.....cos i don't "see" him that way.....sometimes he's downright cute.....and other times he just upsets me.....but other than me ranting about him.....he's still a good friend.....he still tries to look out for me.....and tells me things i need to hear.....he just doesn't understand me......i think the only person who DOES understand me is david.....or else he does a good job pretending......

and quite frankly i told him that i don't want be "that way" with him....because i didn't want to be a statistic.....or another notch on his belt.....i wanted to remain "special".....ya know???....a girl he will never get romantically/physically involved with.....plus i figure since we fight so much.....we'd end up killing each other.....

i do have one thing that i really lke about him.....is that he has the ability to not hold grudges......we'd argue.....make up.....and he's over it.....he's moved on.....while i need some more time to get over things.....(in fact he called me this morning......and told me he fell asleep on the phone while i was lecturing him cos he was drunk.....and was upset at the text i sent him.....then he dropped it and moved on)

i mean he also ditched me a bit in fort lauderdale too last year.....and i was upset then too.....he went to the club with some guy he just met and left me at the hotel.....and i ended up hanging out with a girl from texas and two guys from chicago.....i mean i had a good time with them.....drinking.....walking along the beach.....talking.....almost falling asleep on the beach.... hot tubbing.....and all that..... it just sucked when people were asking me all night "where's bryan???" or "where's your friend???".....and i had to tell them he went clubbing....and then they would ask "without you???".....and then i would have to say "yeah".....

(and i must say....in his defense.....he said he couldn't find me.....or something like that.....which i thought was bullshit cos i was always either in the room or at the tiki bar or outside our room on the beach)

but that was last year.....i'm not bum hurt about that anymore.....or maybe i still am and this incident just brought back repressed emotions or something.....i don't know.....

i'm a complicated person......with stange and complex thoughts......

maybe i'm just wierd.....cos i felt the same way i did when he ditched me to hang out with this guy last year.....as i do when he ditched me to hang out with this girl.....

i don't know.....i guess i'm just stupid cos i wanted to hang out with someone.....who didn't want to hang out with me......