When You Love Someone But It Goes To Waste

david came down for a visit on his way to his parents for christmas.....

and i must say.....he's changed dramatically.....

clean cut.....doesn't swear.....he wears a suit and tie.....

a far cry from what he used to be.....

and he's also happy.....

there's just something in his eyes.....

that gives me chills.....

it makes me wonder if i still love HIM....or if i'm still in love with the person he USED to be.....

last night i had a dream.....it was me, david and another girl......and we were having a threesome thing......WE WERE NOT NAKED......but david was layin there, inebreated.....couldn't tell if he was high or drunk or what.....but he started kissing me.....and the he started kissing the other girl......i kinda sarcastically say in an irritated way "oh, so you're just going to kiss HER then, huh"......and he pauses from sucking her face and goes "yeah"......right in front of.....kinda torturing me.....making me watch......

then the scene changes a bit with david on his back and the girl on top of him "dry humping" him.....EVERYONE IS STILL FULLY CLOTHED (c'mon, i'm not THAT much of a pervert) and i'm still watching......like he's taunting me......to the point i can't take it anymore......i go to him, push the girl off of him.....and grab his face.....look straight at him and his eyes are rolling back and forth as if he was still inebreated.....and yell, "i can't take this anymore, i'm still in love with you"......and i kiss him......and he grabs me and kisses me back.....

and then i woke up.....

my heart still yearns for him......even though it will never be again......and it hurts.....so very much......

last night when we were at dinner......he was a stranger to me......he didn't even say anything about my eyes being green......i remember when i first started wearing color contacts before we were dating in college......and he was the very first to notice.....and now he doesn't anymore......

we've also lost that connection we used to have......that spark.....that neurotic wavelength that we once shared......gone.....

last time he hugged me, it was like he was hugging my soul.....

this time.....i didn't feel anything......

and it makes me so very sad......

cos i'm now realizing that i am truly alone in the world......i mean, i don't even have david anymore......i have no one......there is nothing connecting me to this world anymore......

i just want to sleep......

but i can't sleep......

the demons will get me.....