Heartbreak

So my cancer is back. Initially diagnosed in 2017 with Stage 3A Leiomyosarcoma with a recurrence in 2021, it's back again in 2025.

In nearly 9 years, I've had 3 surgeries to remove cancer from my abdomen.

The first time, I was scared. The second time, I was mad. This time, I'm sad.

Not sad that the cancer has come back, but heartbroken that my dad is not here. 

My dad passed away in 2023. 

Although we may not have entirely gotten along growing up, looking back, I was definitely a daddy's girl.

This is the first time my dad isn't here when I'm sick.

The first time, he will not lay his hands on my head to bless me.

The first time, I will not be able to visit him after my surgery to get a hug and see him smile.

He told me once, after I was recovering from the effects of chemo, that he had a dream of me with long hair and dancing. 

And I know, if I tell people how much I miss my dad and want him here, they'll always say "he is there, he's there in spirit" -- Well, fuck you. I don't want him here "in spirit" -- I physically want him to be here to hug and kiss and just to let me know everything will be ok. I want to cook him his favorite food and find him YouTube videos I know he'll love. I want to see him playing with his grandkids and hear his laugh. He would sometimes laugh like Ernie on Sesame Street. That laugh that comes from the back of his throat and kinda clicks. 

I want my dad. 

I'm Here

 Sometimes, my feelings are hurt when I show up for someone and the first thing they say to me is:

 "Where's so and so?" 

"Did you see so and so?" 

"Hey, did you bring so and so?"

                    "Is so and so here?"

When I hear this first thing, I feel so small. Like why did I even come? Obviously, it doesn't matter. Would they have asked for me if I didn't show up?

Instead, say this to me:

"Thanks for coming" 

"It's so good to see you!"

                    "I'm so glad you came!" 

It Is What It Ain't

 I don't care what anyone says, it's -

-Usana

-the E center

-Betos (even if the sign says Rancheritos)

-The Cricket Park (or Kearns Park)

-the Delta Center (ALWAYS, never anything else)

I'm also THIS old:

-The Bay

-Manhattans

-Emerson (IYKYK)

-IGA 

-Pick & Save

-Food4Less

-Zuka Juice

-Dollar theatres

Lucky

Someone once told me - “You are so lucky you don’t have kids.” And went on to complain about the financial burden, or some crazy thing their kid did, or just ranting about stupid things about kids that made them angry. I get it, everyone complains about everything and everyone. 

But to tell a woman who can’t have kids, that they’re lucky - Just didn’t sit well with me. 

There is a difference between “don’t want” and “can’t have” - And I’m one of those “can’t have.”

Now, I’m not here to start a pity party or to look for “I’m sorry” - That’s not what this is about. 

It’s about me, telling all those parents out there, that they are lucky they have their kids. Even those kids who got their wings, especially those who came with closed eyes and knew nothing but love.

You are lucky that you have those financial burdens, get to laugh at all those crazy moments, and have those "headaches" when your kids make you angry.

You are lucky.

Still A Favorite

 

Root Beer Floats

 

Don't Eat It!

 

No Carry Over? No Problem!

 

Cookies

 

This Put A Smile on My Face

 

Rude

 

First Snow

 

Together In Travel

 

Vote 4 Change

 

Duuuuuuude

 

Willow

 

I love this so much

 

Three Years Clean

 

Nothin like a bar full of drunk Rastafarians singing Bob Marley

cool

10 Years...

so 10 years ago, i posted my first blog post...

looking back...it seems like a different life...like i can't believe that was me...look how much i've changed, where i am now....

in 2004 - i was still trying to get over david -- he was a great person to have in my life and i'm glad that i got to have him there....he's married now with 2 beautiful kids....i remember when he called to tell me that he was getting married...i was already in Arizona with J, so to hear that he had found someone too was awesome...i'm glad that he's happy and where he needs to be....i am too...

in 2004 - i was still working at Players Air...i had not started at AAA yet...or met my wonderful friends that i still keep in touch with....i would still be 3 years until i would meet J, not knowing love was waiting for me in Arizona...

in 2004 - i was in a place where i thought i would be alone for the rest of my life...that i would be "stuck" in Salt Lake City...i had no idea that i just needed to wait...just wait...and i would be on the other side of the country livin it up in Philly with someone who loves me unconditionally...

in 2004 - i was still trying to find out who i was, what i wanted to do with my life...i was "hopelessly available" (as Bryan would say later) and i was utterly depressed...

in 2004 - i had no one in my life...no really friends....or even family that accepted me for who i am...now i have nieces and nephews who love me...wonderful friends who i actually keep in touch with....i get along with my parents very well and of course J...who loves me exactly the way i am...

in 2004 - i didn't know how to love myself...i always thought something was wrong with me...that i was damaged and no one would want me....i didn't know that i would need to want myself...love myself...be by myself....before i would find people who'd want to be around me....it took me a while to really take that to heart....i usually was in my own little world growing up...i'd let a few "wrong" people in and it made me not want to share myself like that anymore....started to hate myself...but then i met some really awesome people at AAA in Draper and they got me to see myself as someone a little weird and that was ok...

in 2004 - i was surviving...but not living...i didn't start living until i realized that i am the way i am and that's ok....when i accepted myself and began to really not care about making others accept me...it was a light bulb that just went off in my head...i realized that i don't need to be "part" of anything...i can just be me, on my island...and once that happened and people saw how cool my "island" was, people came to me...J came to me...

in 2004 - i didn't realize how awesome my life was going to be....and looking back, i've come along way....and i'm so glad that i'm here....

Ro Rant - Selfish Selfies

selfish selfies in inappropriate places...

everyone's done it...selfie with someone sitting on the toilet in the background, smiling at a funeral, smiling next to the dead person in the casket, smiling besides someone who's in the hospital dying/in a coma/bleeding...

but i guess what really bothers me is the SMILING...why are you SMILING at an unfortunate event/situation/place??  i don't understand it...i see pictures of people upset at funerals or when they are with their loved ones in the hospital...i get THOSE...but i don't get the smiling ones...

is it because when someone takes you're picture they always say "smile?"

another thing about these types of pictures is the lack of authentic concern or genuine attitude of the event/situation/place...

maybe it's because i'm usually sad/crying at a funeral...not necessarily smiling...

or if my loved one was dying in a hospital, i'm sad/crying...not smiling...

and when i see something that is cool, i usually take a picture or video, not necessarily a selfie and putting me in the frame...

is that what it is? documenting that YOU were there? 

i don't know...

i guess it's when i see a picture of everyone smiling and happy and i think they are at a "happy" function like a party/birthday/wedding and i click to the next picture and realize they are at a funeral...and i'm like "why the hell do they look so happy?!?"

and then there are THOSE pictures where people pose at a party or club...and THEY AREN'T SMILING!!!  those faces need to be switched with the smiling faces at the funeral...lol

another type of picture that irks me are pictures of people holding a wad of cash, fanning it out...ugh...why???

now, yes...i have taken selfies...i have a few on my facebook...but i didn't take them at a funeral...and i don't have any of me holding money, or someone on the toilet in the background or even in the bathroom mirror...

this is my favorite selfie...i took this at a rest stop somewhere between Texas and Ohio...J's eyes looked so beautiful that i could see myself in his eyes...so i took a selfie using his eye as the mirror...you can see my hand :)

A Non-Selfish Selfie :)

Jungle Drum

This song has been J's ringtone since we saw this video back in 2012...We also wanna go to Iceland now and now have the motivation to find a church that's painted black like in the clip...All the churches I've seen have been brick (red or brown) or painted white....

Aiga

Super Selfie!!!

This hot guy is Gabriel Valenciano aka "Super Selfie"...he's a dancer, musician, model and much more...and his videos make me laugh...my favorite one is "Celebrate"...and when he "claps"with his feet, it cracks me up every time...his other videos are great too!  especially the batman ones!

Ro Love!

Buddah Love

I Win!

Robin Williams

Robin Williams 

07/21/1951 - 08/11/2014

Do You Wanna Build a Table?

Lightening

Yesterday, J and I were listening to the storm as we could see flashes of lightening through our window shades and crashing of thunder rumbling our home....I opened the blinds to our patio and watched the storm for a little bit really wondering if I should have purchased that extra flood insurance....I wanted to watch some more or even go outside to just to be out in the rain, but something told me to close the blinds and move away from the window and stay inside....

I closed the blinds and went and sat in the living room with J....we talked about the storm and "counted" between the flashes and crashes....which were now, almost on top of each other when all of a sudden, there was a very bright flash of light, a very loud and huge crash and then debris hitting our door....I was really scared....

J opened the door to investigate and all we could smell was burnt wood and pieces of the tree in our courtyard around our door step and patio...

Lucky it was still raining very heavily so the tree did not stay on fire but we could see and smell that it was struck by lightening...as I was still scared, I rushed J back into the house....

Today, I took a this picture of the tree as I went to work.....Just glad that I listened to the small voice that told me to close the blinds, move away from the window and stay inside...

AZ Calling

So, we drove a Uhaul out here from Arizona a year ago...and I would get so excited when I saw a Uhaul with Arizona plates thinking that might have been the truck we drove or that there were more people from AZ here....Then we went to Uhaul last week to get a truck and realized the ENTIRE fleet of Uhaul trucks here have Arizona plates...I think Uhaul was trying to tell me something...lol  #MoveBack #NotQuiteYet

Kick To The Head!

Finally Have a Home!

Got the keys to the townhouse and I love it!

No more washer/dryer in the kitchen...No more noisy upstairs neighbors...No more common door with common hallway with various smelly food odors :)

Just a couple of weeks and we'll be moved in and then we can finally unpack all our boxes from our move from AZ...yes, we've been living out of boxes the past year....Totally Psyched!!! :)

Don't Stop

J is writing a book and based his characters Morg (on me) and Dark (on him)....and he likes to take what I say and use it his book....

East Coast Livin'

A year ago today, I reached the East Coast and started my new adventure out here...I can't believe I've been out here a year...Can't believe it's been a year since I've seen my Glendale, AZ peeps...Next week, we get out keys to our townhouse rental...Movin' again...but easier this time since we haven't really unpacked :)

Future Generation

Moving Mountains

Fruit Basket!

He's Waiting

Sitting on the plane waiting to take off when the captain announces that it's SNOWING in Philly...for a split second I thought to myself, "I can get off the plane right now and say in Salt Lake"...but then my heart started to ache as I thought of J still in Philly....and I buckled my seat belt...Let's go!  He's waiting for me :)

Punch Out!

Anniversary

Prize?

J's Childhood Reality

(A conversation we had at a Dairy Queen in Hamilton, NJ)

Ciggy

Kiss?

Love Him

This was absolutely the first time I had a birthday with only J around...no kids, brothers, cousins, parents....just me and J...

J knew that I would be a little sad, so he bought be a cake...i told him when we first met, that I didn't always get cake on my birthday...some birthdays, i didn't want a cake...but this year, he made sure to get one....first birthday on the east coast....love him so much for making the day special :)

J's Awesome Wrapping Skills :)

HR

WattaJerk!

This Morning's Conversation....

J - "Did I sleep rough last night?"
Me - "I don't remember anything after I kicked you in the face."
J - "Why are you so Samoan?!?"
Me - "I didn't do it on purpose!"
J - "Sure, whatever, you violent ass Samoan!"

Feed Me!

Me "Hey Honey, how would you like to try a hot dog wrapped in a crescent roll?"
J "Yeah, that actually sounds good!"
Me "Awesome, can you go make it?"
J *gives me the evil eye as he heads off to the kitchen*
Me *feeling lucky that she has J*

OCUPADO!!!

Out of all the empty stalls in the bathroom....the lady busts into the one I'm in....she just walked in and pushed the door on the stall that I was using so hard, it opened....and there are 6 or 7 open stalls....and I was the only one in there....really???? OCUPADO!!!

Ro Moment

that moment where you'd rather cut the circulation to your fingers and hands luggin' in a bizillion shopping bags in one trip vs. multiple trips out to the car....
or even better yet....leaving non-perishables in the car for days....yeah, i'm guilty of that one too....lol

Fake Reality

i used to think that i would be ready for a Zombie Apocalypse until i found a cricket jumping around in our bathtub and i ran back to the bedroom screaming at J to "kill it!"....yeah....not ready for zombies......

#FakeReality

Postmodern Jukebox

that moment when you would rather listen to this than the original.....

and this is my absolute favorite Lorde cover....the piano is AMAZING!!!! and Puddles (Mike Geier) has the most AWESOME voice....i actually bought both these tracks on Amazon so i could play it in my car....

Ro Moment

*on our way to see Catching Fire*

J - "You didn't have a super positive reaction to Hunger Games...are you sure you want to see this movie?"

Me "Who cares? I had a super positive reaction to the popcorn."

11

1 - I love Korean dramas and watched them so much I could almost speak Korean...I even watched a Korean drama that had a bit of sign language in it so I could also sign in Korean...I showed people at work and they made fun of me so I stopped mentioning it...lol

2 - I learned how to knit off of Youtube and now I'm obsessed with yarn and knitting beanies and scarves...It's even come down to me seeing someone wearing a scarf and me saying "hmm, I'm going to go home and make that!"...

3 - My favorite Doctor Who is 10 - David Tennant

4 - My favorite Doctor Companion is Donna

5 - I didn't move out of my parents house until I was 27 because I didn't want to leave...

6 - I used to be a good camper...i've camped in the mountains, the desert, the snow...and now i only camp on facebook...best time ever was camping up in the mountains, under the stars with no tent - the sky was full of stars and I was able to watch the band of the Milky Way cross the night sky...it was awesome!

7 - I love love love being an auntie to my nieces and nephews

8 - I buy most of my clothes on-line

9 - I didn't have a t.v for the first 6 years on my own in Arizona cos I just watched anything I wanted on-line using my desktop

10 - I name EVERYTHING - My desktop is named Illidan, my laptop is named Tohru, my car is name Ruby, my t.v is named George...I had a cellphone named Rob...(J names all his stuff too)

11 - I've been bitching in this blog since October 2004...

Ro Moment

I kinda like the look of disappointment on people's faces when they ask me "Where are you from?" And I say "Salt Lake City, UT"....they always think I'm going to say something exotic....

Then their eyes light up when they ask me how many moms I have or if I have "sister wives"....

Then I wanna punch them in the face....

East Coast Livin'

today marks the 3 month anniversary of moving out to the East Coast....I've learned 5 important things:

1 - The deer hit ME (you never hit a deer, the deer always commits suicide)
2 - You will get tackled if you try to pump your own gas in NJ
3 - It's HOAGIES not SUBS
4 - They say the "G" in "Gyro" (especially at the malls) - lol
5 - Never leave PA without a $1 if you want to get back in

Sau

had a dream last night where someone who i knew was there and gave me a hug...he passed away 10 years ago...i haven't thought about him or seen a picture of him in over 6 years...hell, we weren't even close....but he was always nice to me...nothing but good memories, although few...just so weird...in my dream, he gave me a hug and then he was gone...now my heart is a little sad...

Ro Moment

saw fire flies for the first time....totally freaked me out for a minute....i've never seen fire flies except for in movies...i just wanted to sit there and watch them all night....

6 Years!!!!

Finally!

We got the keys to our new place...so we're not homeless...I have to say, places out here are waaaay different from UT and AZ....first of all, there are "Common Doors" that you go through and share with other apartments to get to your actual door....and the buildings are older....I think the one we got now was built in the 80's....it's a lot to get used to...and don't even get me started on the toll roads....

Anyway, I wanted to thank all of you for your prayers and well wishes that guided us safely to our new home on the east coast....I felt all your love and support....thank you from the bottom of my heart....and I have to say, I really miss AZ...but excited for what lies ahead....

Almost Freakin' There!!!!

Let me take a selfie

i took this pic at a random rest stop as we drove across the country to our new home....J's eyes were soooo beautiful and reflective....his eyes just captured everything around him and i HAD to take a pic....that's my hand and the white thing i'm holding is my cellphone....

On The Road....

Everytime I see a rainbow....I think of my Uncle Sam....thanks for watching over us today...it was a tough run with all the rain, but we made it safe and sound...now chillin at the hotel....

Yes...J is driving the Uhaul and towing my car while I drive his car....thanks Honey for driving that monstrosity

Moving!

Ok everyone....I must break the news...

I'm moving to the East Coast....

I am currently driving across the country to my new home on the east coast....stopping for the night in Gallup New Mexico...hopefully will be in Oklahoma City tomorrow night....

That is all...

Nighty Nite!

Ninja Food

Former Homestead

Ro Moment

Road Trip to SLC

Fat Status