When Love Just Isn't Enough

so lately i've been reading my cousin's blog and it just breaks my heart on what she's going through right now....i wish i could be there to cry with her cos that's how i feel right now after reading her last entry....

she's going through a divorce after 5 years of marriage....

and that's just sad....

i come to find out through her blog that he cheated on her and lied to her....

i know how that feels like....

i was cheated on too, waaaaay back in the day - it seems like a life time ago....

it *was* a life time ago - over 10 years ago (er, gosh i'm old).....

when i found out that my boyfriend at the time (Fil) was cheating on me, my parents and brothers were out of town....i had nowhere to go, so i went to my auntie faye's house....i cried on her shoulder for 2 hours....i couldn't even breathe....and she just held me....she told me that i would be alright and she just let me cry....my cousin esi saw me upset and asked what was wrong....auntie faye just started yelling at him "it's because you boys!!! you boys just LIE and CHEAT!!!"....esi was like "whoa, it wasn't even me" and got up and left as auntie was still yelling at him....lol

at the time i revealed to auntie faye that i had a dream about Fil ....my grandma (who passed away in 1992) came to me....she stood there and pulled a curtain away with her hand to show me something behind it....there i saw Fil with a caucasian girl with brownish blonde hair....i didn't know what it meant at the time until a week later when i found out about the other girl....who happened to be white with brownish blonde hair.....

(sometimes the love between you and someone who has passed away never fades....thanks grandma)

i mean, i really really loved Fil...so much so that i was going to give my life to him and marry him....he proposed to me (ghetto style, no ring - that should have been my first clue that he was a scrub) and we talked about our wedding song and reception and menu for the reception and where we were going to get married....he wrote me letters....like actual letters and sent them in the mail to (cos he lived in California)....i went to dances with him (in Utah), i went to a baptism and funeral and wedding....everything....he even sent me flowers to my house....i never imagined anyone going through all that work, just to cheat on me....

and come to think about it....i don't know if i would calling it cheating on me vs. cheating on the other girl....

cos Fil was already with the other girl for like 5 years before me....and i was only with him for 2 years (so all together, the other girl was with him for 7 years)....oh, and yes, he proposed to both of us....

after all the dust settled....i went out to CA to meet "my fiance's other fiance" and we hit it off and became really good friends....come to find out, there was a 3rd girl in the mix....there were probably more....

anyway....after that, i realized that i would rather be single then go through all the shit again....and i was single for a while....

and you want to know what the really sick thing about this experience????

Fil is the reason i am where i am today.....

at a point in our somewhat ridiculous relationship, i told Fil that i wanted to go back to school....he laughed at me and told me that i wasn't "smart enough"....

so after i officially called it quits (cos dude was still calling me after i tried to confront him about it)....i enrolled in college just to SPITE him....Fil told me that i COULDN'T do it, so i wanted to prove him wrong....college is where i met david (my other famous heartache)....in college i earned an Associates degree in Travel and Tourism WITH HONORS (thank you very much), which let me to my first travel agency....when that travel agency laid me off (after giving me 2 years of travel experience)....i went back to my college (cos they have lifetime job placement)....and guess where they placed me????

AAA....and guess who has two thumbs and still works for AAA -- THIS GIRL....

and where did AAA move this girl to??? --- Arizona....

and who's in AZ???

J :)

so....it just goes to show that when love just isn't enough....spite works just as well....

i don't regret all the pain i've been through to get to where i am now....i just hope my cousin can see that this hurdle, this speed bump, this wrinkle in the fabric of her life will work itself out....she can get through this....i know she will....

i can't predict her future, but if she is anything like me....she'll come out of this strong....

as much as she hoped, her soon to be ex-husband is just not "the one" for her....she needs to let him go and move on so she can find "the one" for her....and it may take some time....i think the best thing she can do is focus on her, build her career, and live for herself - no one else....as soon as she does that, her "one" will come....

that's what happened with me...

i became very very depressed....and as soon as i was able to lift myself out of it by doing what was good for ME and only ME....i made it....

she can make it too....

this is one of the songs that got me through the motions regarding Fil....every time i listen to it....it just makes me feel so grateful that he's no longer in my life....and that i can talk about him and go through the memories and it doesn't even phase me....

my favorite line "You ruin everything and you kept fuckin' with me [thank god] it's over"
the [thank god] part is my own spin :)