Somebody That I Used to Know

so now that i've started writing again....i've been going through my blog and i'm just amazed at how i'm NOT that same person 8/7/6 years ago....it's amazing how much i've grown....how i've healed....even how i think and feel....i can honestly say that was somebody that i used to know.....

i look back and think how i've changed and grown....yes the depression is still there....and i still get stressed out....but i always thought it was because i was alone....or that nobody loved me....or that no one cared about me....now i realized, it was always ME....

as soon as i let myself go....and decided to take a chance on myself....things got better....

hanging out with friends, going to my cousins' gigs, not letting anything really phase me....things got better....

i think deep down, i'll always be depressed because i am soooo damn hard on myself....i should have done this differently or i should have done that instead....i'm too fat or too lazy or too messy....i'll always be like that unless i change....

and i did change....well i changed "enough" :)

one big change in recent years was finally getting over david....

when i moved out to arizona for work and began my life with J...thoughts of david started to fade and memories started to become sweet instead of hurt....and i just let go....we kept in touch on facebook and he called me a few times to say hi....then i noticed a girl starting to pop up in pictures on his facebook....he found someone....at first it made me sad to think "that should have been me"....but then i took a hard look at the pics....he was snowboarding and river rafting and out in the desert and all...the stuff....that i....don't....like...to do....*light bulb*

had i tried to stay with david....it would have never worked out....we would be holding each other back....and that's not a way to live or love or be....

back in 2010 - i received a wedding invitation from david....i was sad that he was getting married....but for all the wrong reasons....I WANTED TO BE MARRIED FIRST - lol....but she seems great....he called me and told me that he loved her and that they were getting married in the temple....i was going to go to the wedding reception....but i didn't....i flew into salt lake and planned to drive up to idaho....but i decided not to at the last minute....i just didn't feel that i should be there....even if i were invited....i told david that i couldn't make it because i had an ear infection....it was true....i had a nasty ear infection, the doctor suggested that i don't travel...but i still traveled to salt lake....and then used the excuse not to go to the wedding....

david was sad that i didn't show up....but i think for me, it was best that i didn't....not because of any feelings i may or may not have had....i just felt like i was a dirty spot from him past and i didn't want to ruin his future....

i'm soooo happy that he's happy....

and i'm soooo glad he found someone that he could do all the things he loves to do with.....

J and I are right for each other....we're both geeks....we love museums and stuff like that....not so much outdoorsy stuff....like J has NEVER been camping.....EVER....and i used to love camping (but mostly because david liked it) and i can tell you this....J and I have NEVER been camping....so obviously, i don't like camping as much as i thought i did....lol

anyway....i just think it's amazing looking back on somebody that i used to know.....

how far i've come and where i'm going.....

i'm so glad that i didn't let the shadows overwhelm me....

i'm so glad i found J :)