Life Struggles

My boyfriend who I've been dating for since Aug has been hinting at the fact that he does not want to get married. Not just getting married to me, but just not wanting to get married period.

He also has expressed that he doesn't want children.

These are two things that are very important to me.

I want the whole surprise engagement, the dress, the cake.

I want the whole kids thing. At least one. Maybe two.

I want to be a bride. Beautiful dress. My dad walking me down the aisle. Stuff like that.

I'm a woman, my job is to procreate. I want to know how it is to be pregnant, have a child, and be a mommy.

Do you know how many bridal showers and baby showers have I been too and wished it was me?

The thing is, he KNOWS this. He knows this is important to me. Yet he doesn't want it. So why is he still with me? He tells me that he doesn't want to let me go or have me go away, but if WE'RE not on the same page about what we want for our future, why not let me go find that guy who WANTS to get married and WANTS children?

It does sound selfish on my part. But if being with him prevents me from finding THE ONE to make me happy, then who's being selfish?

Getting married and having a family has been my goal ever since I was a child. I used to dress up in sheets and "walk down the aisle" in my living room. And seeing my niece and nephew, just makes me want to have my own.

Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend so very much. We get along so well. It's just THIS is where we have a conflict. I just don't want to miss out on my chance to have what I want, because I'm with him. It shouldn't have to be that way, but it is. I'm so torn and it breaks my heart.

I've found someone who makes me happy in every regard. We actually laugh ourselves to sleep. We get along so well.

It's just he doesn't want to get married and he doesn't want children.

He's never going to give me the surprise engagement, he'll never make me a bride, he'll never give me the child I so desire, we'll never be a family.

It hurts to know that he was so able and willing to get married and have children with someone else. Hell, he was engaged before me. He was looking at buying a house to fill with children.

But now, he's done a 180 and it's not an option.

(It hurts to know that he would do all that for someone else and not me. It's like the love he has for me cannot compare to the love he had for her. He will never love me like he loved her. It's like my dream of getting married and having kids was wasted on her and there's nothing I can do about it. Let's face it, through this example he's told me that he'd rather marry her and have children with her than with me.)

Marriage to me provides the stability of a relationship. It's telling me that my husband will be there for me, through thick and thin and I for him. That if something were to happen to me, that he would have the power to one day take me off life support or that we'll have each other for always. Marriage makes it harder for someone to walk away from everything. It requires constant communication and understanding. It requires compromise. It requires committment and loyalty.

Marriage provides me a witness to my life and a witness to his.

How come no one wants to marry me?

Am I *that* bad?

Am I *that* undesireable?

Does no one want me?