we always want, what we can't have

so last night after my blog.....i was finally able to go to sleep.....since blogging helps me get all this shit out of my head.....or so i thought......

i had a dream about david again......

this time we were sitting and talking about nothing.....and he's looking down at me......like he's sitting on a sofa and i'm sitting on the floor......and his eyes were stunning.....like how he used to look at me......deep.....and his pupils where huge with just a slit of blue around them.....his eyes used to be like that when he looked at me.....after a make out session.....or laughing so hard it hurt.....i would put my head on his chest and look up at him into his eyes.....and last night, in the dream, his eyes were that same mesmerizing, deep gaze......

he leaned down toward me and cupped my face.....and kissed me softly.....as he parted my lips he traced my them with his tongue and gently caressed my tongue.....he stopped and pulled a way for just a split second.....and started again.....ever so softly......

and then he pulled a way as i brought both of my hands to my mouth and used my fingers to cover my lips.....and as i did that......he said "that's your christmas present"......as he backed up onto the couch, never taking his eyes off of me with a gentle smile on his face.....

still surprised......and me still covering my lips with my hands......i couldn't say a word.....but my mind and heart were screaming......what does this mean???.....are we back together???.....does he love me like i love him???.....where do we go from here???

and as i said the last question in my head.....the scene changes.....as david and i are running in slow motion.....he's wearing a tuxedo.....and i'm wearing a white gown.....there is a blur of many people going passed us.....and i'm confused and scared......but david re-assures me and grabs my hand.....at first it felt awkward.....then david looks at my hand cupped in his.....(like how you would cup your hands together when giving someone a good round of applause).....and says, "no like this" and puts his hand on top of mine so our fingers slip through one another allowing us to grasp each other tightly......he smiles at me......as he leads me into the crowd......again running in slow motion......and he's holding my hand.....looking back at me with a smile......as he leads the way to some unknown destination......

and then i wake up......

more depressed and confused as ever......

why can't i stop thinking about this man???

it's been 3 1/2 years.......

3-and-a-half-freeeeaking years!!!!

*sigh*

why can't my heart let him go???