write me something pretty.....

i've been crying over the phone with cory for the last hour and have a huge headache......

i just can't get him to see the way *I* see things.....

well, what i'm talking about is him writing me messages, letters, comments, anything *written*......i've been giving him hints.....telling him upfront.....and all that jazz that i would appreciate some form of affection through some form of communication other than over the phone......he's even PROMISED to do so.....but he hasn't yet......

see i'm the type of girl who LOVES that kinda of stuff.....comments especially.....and i've told him numerous times that i would appreciate something like that from him....i've written him a few comments but stopped because he didn't write me any......i've written him messages but stopped after none of them were responded too.....

i figured he was just busy or what not.....so when i asked him about it a while back......he told me that he doesn't do that kind of stuff......he doesn't write people back or write comments (when i know he does, i've seen it on a couple of his friends - not that i'm stalking him or anything - i've just noticed he has - and everytime i'm on the phone with him, he's talking about writing someone an e-mail or messaging someone - which is usually for work but still hurts me because he seems to have time to do that for "them" but not for me)......

he tells me he'd rather call me and tell me how he feels so he can get "instant gratification" hearing my voice and all that jazz.....but i tell him that i would rather still have a something special that is WRITTEN.....

i told him that if he feels so strongly about me that i would like him to message it to me or write it in a comment, that way i can always go back and read it.....or remind me of how he feels when i feel like crap.....or to know that *I* don't have to be on the phone or on IM to know he's thinking about me.......(i know he thinks of me......but that's known on faith, not certainty)

i even took some photos of me for him that i've never done.....i usually don't do *this* type of photos......but for him.....i made the exception.....i WANTED to for him......i was happy to do them for him......and in return.....i was hoping that i would be *his* exception......that we would write me a little something or what not......even though he says he usually doesn't do that......i was hoping that maybe he would write me a little something for me......

but still nothing.....

and now i feel all stupid that i'm making a big deal about it......but honestly, i really have nothing......i mean i've sent him a package in the mail with a card and stuff, wrote him messages and comments.....i'm even paying to fly out to him and paying for my hotel stay for a week......and i don't have anything other than our phone conversations and IM's.....and i want more than that.....and he doesn't seem to understand.....

he knows i love that kind of stuff......he knows i want comments and messages and maybe even a card in the mail......and he always tells me that "action speak louder than words"......well, he hasn't really DONE anything.....just calls and IM's.....two comments......a blog one and a photo one (only cos i pushed him into writing one)......

and another thing that breaks my heart about this whole thing.....is that he knows how meaningful stuff like that is for me.....it's the sentiment.....and he hasn't even WANTED to make the effort......yes, he calls me everyday......we talk all the time......and i appreciate it and i let him know.......but as much as he knows i like that kind of stuff.....he hasn't WANTED to do anything about it for me......

every one of my friends know i love comments.....it's just the way i am......especially when a couple of weeks ago i was extrememly depressed.....on the verge of just saying "to hell with it"......then i sat down at my computer, logged onto myspace, and read all the little things people have written me.....and when i went through the entire list......reading all those words of love and how much people cared about me......

and out of all those comments.....there was nothing from him......

and i think that's what hurts the most......

i don't know......

do i sound just as stupid as i feel????

am i asking too much????

i'm just sitting here bawling my eyes out.....

i mean.....i'm willing to do almost anything for this guy.....

and he can't even write me a freakin message or comment......

and i feel so stupid that i'm all upset over something so small.....