take this cigarette away from me....i crave it's poison too much.....

i'm having a sudden urge to smoke right now....

i've noticed lately that since i've stopped smoking.....i've started crying more......and i'd rather smoke a cigarette, than cry.....

but i'm not going to smoke.....so instead i'll cry.....

i don't know what's wrong with me.....i just don't feel like i belong anywhere......i don't feel like i should be here......although i'm not going to slit my wrists or anything......i feel like i'm out of place......

nothing i do is right......

smoking has always been my form of suicide......killing myself slowly......just cos i'm scared to kill myself quickly......and with that gone......i'm slowly facing the cruel reality that i am nothing......if i were to die tomorrow, no one would notice......no one would care......

i mean......i know people care about me now......but what about tomorrow????.......next week????......next year????.......if i died tomorrow......i would be forgotten.....as if i never existed.......like how i am now.......

i also feel like i'm not worth anyone's time......like i'm there to please others......but no one's there for me.....or that i don't deserve anything good to happen to me......only good things happen to good people......maybe i'm just bad.....defective.......rejected......

it's like no one cares how i feel......no one cares what i want......what i need.......

i've expressed what i need many times.......and it just never happens for me.......cos no one really cares.......i'm not worth anything........people just want to use me and abuse me......and when i don't let them......they go away......so just to have that attention i so desire......ANY attention......i let them......i let them hurt me......i let them use me.......i let them abuse me.......at least when they do shit like that, they see me.......they know that i'm there.......and if they didn't do that to me......they would just do it to someone else.......

i'm not worth the effort......

i'm not worth anything i need......

i'm just not worth it......

i mean......what has anyone shown or done for me that show me that i'm worth it???

not one person has done anything i asked of them......

because not one person thinks i'm worth it......