Big Apple Heatbreak

so life since my last blog has been alright.....i guess it's nothing i can complain about......i'm healthy (except for my freakin tooth....grr) and i got food.....money in the bank.....a roof over my head.....and a family that puts up with me no matter what......(*shrugs*).....i dunno.....just feeling a lot of "blah" lately......except when i talk to cory.....

i don't know what it is about that guy that changes my whole perception about life......he has re-sparked my curiosity about things......not just about maybe, hopefully being a potential match for me or whatnot.....but i'm not afraid to let my mind go when i talk to him......it's wierd......

i've been thinking about about the debates going on in my head (which i need to write down in here soon)......and how i have all these thoughts going on.....never revealing them to anyone because i've been censoring myself around people.....not letting them know what i'm really thinking......yeah.....sure i tell them i have a blog......but no one comes up on here and reads this thing.......

but with cory......i don't have to censor myself with him......there are times when i'm afraid to tell him about something i'm thinking about.....but then he puts me at ease......and makes me comfortable......and it's funny how sometimes he's thinking the same way......or that we agree about a certain view......or something like that that blows me away.......

and this makes me wish that i wasn't so far away from him......him being all the way in new york.....and me over here.....truly and utterly sucks......not only the distance.....but the time difference as well......he's always so tired when he talks to me because it's past midnight where he is......and i feel really bad that he's staying up that late......he also has a lot of friends that call him up at night......so he really doesn't have time to talk to me either......which makes me sad but there's nothing i can do about it......so i get over it......but it also makes me wonder if he feels the same way about me.......

i mean we're not together......which i guess is making me a little insecure......i mean what if he finds someone better than me before we even meet???.....then i've missed my chance......also because of the distance factor......we don't even know if we mesh in real life......that's why i've taken it upon myself to fly out to new york in september to meet him......yeah, i know......scary huh???......it's just that we mesh so well over the internet and over the phone......i HAVE to know if we mesh well in person......so i'm going.....i'd rather him reject me and me get over it then wonder for the rest of my life "what if"......ya know???......and hopefully things turn out well......i hope he likes me in real life......

it also seems that i like him more than he likes me.......and i don't know how to stop myself from falling too hard......especially if it turns out that he doesn't feel that strongly about me......and i don't know how to stop myself from yearning for him......i wish i could though......i wish i could stop liking him so much......just so i don't look like a crazed-psycho-stalker person......

but i can't......i think about him all the time......i worry about him......wondering if he's getting enough sleep......wondering if he's safe.....wondering how he's doing.....wondering if he's going to call or if i should......wondering what he's doing......wondering if he's taking care of himself......wondering what he thinks about me......wondering how his day went......wondering how his family is doing......wondering how his friend shaun in korea is doing......ya'know????......a lot of "wondering" shit.......it drives me crazy sometimes too......because i wonder all this stuff (and then some).....and when i finally get to talk to him......he is only able to answer a couple of them before he knocks out.......

and then a new day starts......

and the cycle continues.......

*sigh*......i don't even know......maybe i'm just stupid......i'm just not smart enough to have my brain control my heart......my heart just goes and runs away from me......and my brain is trying to tell it to stop and slow down......but my heart doesn't listen......it won't be until my heart falls and goes splat and breaks, will it stop......i just wish i could control it so it doesn't.....create a wall around my heart....or a cushion.....but i can't......

here's my heart cory.....i'll let you break it......