July 22, 2006

2am....and i'm still awake

2am.....and i'm still awake.....

cos i can't stop crying.....

i'm been crying since 1:36am.....

and i can't stop.....

i'm so utterly exhausted cos i haven't been sleeping well.....i didn't have a good day at work......in fact it was a VERY bad day for me......my hormones are all over the place cos "it's that time of the month"......i've VERY sensitive and emotional right now......and now i have a HUGE headache from crying so hard......i can't breathe......and i feel like dying.......i hurt so bad......my heart is breaking and i can't make it stop......

i'm so fucking stupid.....to think that someone could care for me and much as i care for them......how could i be so naive???......i'm soooo mad at myself......i knew this would happen......i knew that nobody would care........i knew i wouldn't be important to anyone......so why did i fuckin hope???.......

it's all my fault......i'm such an idiot.....and i just want to die......i want this to stop hurting......my heart feels like it's dying and i just want to die with it.......i'm already soooo dehydrated cos i've been a little sick to my tummy lately......and now i'm losing too much fluid with all my damn crying......

why can't i stop????......i still have 7 painkillers that my dentist prescribed last week left that have codeine in them......and i'm seriously considering to see what will happen if i down them with some really hard vodka......ha!.....probably NOTHING cos i'm too damn fat for it to do anything to me.......

maybe i'll go lay down again......my nose is so stuffy and runny from crying.....maybe i'll just stop trying to breathe......

and i'm trying so hard not to wake anyone with my sobbing......

what makes me upset the most......(other than the sleep depervation/insomnia, being dehydrated, anemic/being ill, having a TERRIBLE day at work and being on the rag)......is that i sent a package to someone ......and i've been looking forward to them getting it.....and opening it......and now they got it......they haven't opened it......saying they wanted to wait to get me on the phone, so i could hear how happy they were they got what i sent.......this person even called me in the morning to let me know they got the package......i told this person THEN that i prolly only got an hour of sleep the night before because i was having trouble getting to sleep......i asked if they opened their package.....but they said no.....that they were going to wait until we both got home from work......

so i go to work.....and it was bad......i was so glad to have the day end.......this person got home before i did.....and messaged me......and i was already very very exhausted......i was really excited that now they would be able to open their package......and offered to call them when i got home......they told me no, just to hit them up on yahoo......which i found strange......this person knows i've been dying for them to get their package.....and they tell me "no, don't call me".....even after they told me they wanted to have me on the phone when they opened it.....*tears rushing down - sobbing starts again*......

so i get home.....and about 10pm......can't get to the puter right away.....but this person knows i'll be on usually around 1030......so i eat dinner.....and log on at 1030......again EXCITED for them to open the package......i log on.....and to my dismay......they've went to a friend's house......

so i wait......me and bryan are sending comments to each other on myspace.......and i'm trying so hard to stay up.....especially since i'm very tired......and need to sleep because i'm working the warp tour in the morning.......

finally at about 1230am......i HAVE to lay down.....i can't stay up anymore.......so i log off......and go lay down.....and text them telling them to call when they get a chance.......

not even 5 minutes later......they call.....and say they "just got in the door"......and they SOUND wide awake and everything......and tells me they "have some stuff to take care of and they would call me back"......

and this is what hurts the most......*tears rushing again*

so i wait.....and i wait.....

i'm getting a huge headache cos i'm so tired.....i'm nodding in and out of sleep......and they FINALLY call back.....an HOUR LATER......and now THEY'RE tired.....and can't talk....and they're falling asleep......

and i lost it......i'm SO tired......and now i can't sleep......cos i can't stop crying.......

they knew that getting this package meant a lot to me.....and they just blew it off.....like they didn't even care........i just wasn't important enough.....and i told them.....sobbing......that "i was so excited that they got their package......and i've waited this long......what's another day????"......i was soooo hurt......how could this not have been important to them????......how could *I* not be important to them????......i should have known when i told them that sending me an e-mail or a picture comment would SOOO MUCH to me......and i've waited for that too.....and still nothing.....

they've told me that when they do things.....they've wanted it RECIPORCATED......like phone calls.....okay......so i've called more - mostly at bad times.....but i'm okay with that......i get over it......but don't *I* deserve the same thing in return????......i've sent messages and comments......and nothing in return.....they state that they'd rather call me for "instant gratification".....because that's what THEY want.....but what about what *I* want.????.....

i know it's JUST a package.....

but it hurts sooooo very much......

i feel so utterly stupid.....that i spent MY time on this small gesture.......and the person receiving it.....hasn't spent any of THEIRS.....

they prolly got it and threw somewhere.....didn't even care......

and feel like a fuckin retard.....sitting at this puter......writing this all out......thinking it would make me feel better......letting it all out......and hoping to get some sleep......i mean it has in a way.....but not really......these words just remind me of how pathetic i am......

crying over something so stupid.......

it's now 3:40am.....and i have to get up to help with the Warp Tour in less than 5 hours......

and i'm SOOOO tired......that i can't even sleep......

even after crying for almost two hours (and using a roll of toilet paper for my nose)......

i'm so pathetic.....

i should just rid myself from the world......

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