07/23/06

Well i knew someday or another that i would fuck things up. guess you can say yesterday and or friday were the days. You have every right to be pissed at me, angry, anything. Cause right now i feel lower than low. And it is no ones fault but my own. Yes i should said i had to go, but i blacked out and passed out. yeah i know it happens when i get stressed out over worked....but still i am not going to use that as an excuse, and it shouldnt be an excuse. Right now i know you are thinking that i am full of shit. And right now i feel like there is nothing i can do to convince you other wise. It is your call on what you want to do. I still want to make this work...but since i am the one in the wrong, i guess you can say i lost my chance to say anything. I am sorry for all of this going on. I am sorry that i am fucked up, i am sorry for how i should be a better person. I am sorry for not being able to be the kinda guy you need to make you happy.....cause if i were able to make you happy, i wouldnt have made you cry this weekend. I know your friends and family might think i am an asshole....a huge one...and i am not going to fight them on that....i am not going to defend myself. I guess you can say i am submitting myself to what ever punishment you have for me. And what ever you decide, i will accept it. Cause like i said, i lost privalages to do or say any thing...I am sorry......i hope that one day you will forgive me......

-Cory

well cory,

i'm not going to lie to you......i was pissed last night......i was telling you something really important about myself......about my relationship between david and bryan.....and i know you prolly hate those guys cos they "know" me and whatever......but i was telling you HOW they know me......and i don't know if i can ever get that moment back......

you know when you're in the moment.....and you say exactly what's on your mind???......like that words that you've been looking for all of a sudden appear???.....well that was a "moment" for me.....and you started snoring.....and it hurt......

i did shed a couple of tears.....but i was done with the crying.....and it went into anger.....i started thinking about everything......i started to doubt your feelings for me......and the biggest thing about everything was that i stared thinking about my blog.....how i said "cory, here's my heart, i'll let you break it"......i just didn't think you would.....

and since i'm clearing the air......i want to tell you WHY i was sooo unbelieveably upset on friday regarding the package i sent......

i was upset because:
1-when you had the chance to open the package while i was on the phone, you didn't take it.....
2-yeah yeah, you said you "loved" all the stuff.....but that's it.....you didn't even mention the little stuff.....like you didn't even notice that i told you i would send you "A" postcard.....but instead you got a few.....or you didn't even notice that i didn't have to send you pics and a card......or you didn't even notice that i spent time LOOKING for a card that explained our situation.....it was like it wasnt' a big deal for you.....but it was a HUGE deal for me.....

you probably know how embarrassing that is to a person, when they don't acknowledge your efforts......or when they don't return the same emotion......you told me you "feel the same way", in regards to the card......kinda like "ditto" from the movie ghost.....when ever molly would tell sam how she felt.....sam would always say "ditto".....she tells him that even though =to him= it means the same thing, she would still like to hear the words......and that's how i am.....since we're so far apart......WORDS have so much weight right now......since you can't SHOW me how you feel.....you have to tell me......

i opened up to you......and it feels as if you're just standing there......looking at me.....with no expression on your face.....and i can't read you......i don't know what you're thinking......i don't know how you feel......i don't know.....and not knowing.....scares me......it invites doubt.....it invites me to second guess myself.....it invites fear that i've said too much, or that i'm freaking you out, or that i'm not as special to you or important to you as you are to me......it invites closure......it invites me to close up and not be so open.....

sure you like me tons......and you want to be with me......i get that......but HOW MUCH is "tons" to you???.....and HOW MUCH do you want to be with me???

(and whoa...number 2 was long)

3-you say "actions speak louder than words"......but your actions this weekend could have been less hurtful......if you USED words.....words is most of what we have going for us right now.....since you don't wish to be active in the ways i want you to be (such as with messages/comments) you might not think it.....but dropping me a message or a comment once in a while (not all the time).....MEANS A LOT TO ME......and it is ACTION.....it tells me that i don't have to be in your "presence" (like on the phone) for you to be thinking of me.....it tells me you took time out of your busy day to let me know that i crossed your mind.....it tells me that i am "everywhere" to you......(if you don't know what "everywhere" is, just ask me) and since i've asked to you write me, or send me a pic comment, or a comment for my profile.....something or other.....and you haven't......it's telling me you don't feel the same way i feel about you......

(end number 3 reason for being upset)

cory, i also want this to work out......no relationship is perfect.....this was our little bump in the road......it IS going to take sometime for me to stop hurting.....like a couple of days.....and then after i stop hurting......i'll forgive you.....because even as i write......i'm still hurting a bit.....but since i really like you.....and no one is perfect......i'm still here......i just DON'T want this to become a habit......i DON'T want to "get used" to this hurt......and i DON'T want to give up on us......

everyone makes mistakes......maybe my mistake in all this is that i don't understand your method of affection.....i don't know how you show affection.....

and maybe when i talk to you tonite.....you can read the ME the card i sent you......it's dated......so i don't remember it all.....but the good thing about cards, messages, comments, etc......is that you can read them back to the person who wrote it......to remind them why they wrote it in the first place......

i'll talk to you soon hun,

ro