suicide thoughts and 'that guy'

i'm having one of those....

"i'm-so-fat-and-ugly-no-one's-ever-going-to-love-me-so-i-might-as-well-just-kill-myself-and-get-it-over-with"

type of days.....

i haven't really left my room since i've gotten back from oakland......and i don't wanna leave.....haven't eaten much lately either......it's almost 3:30pm and i haven't eaten today yet......i'm not really hungry......i just wanna lay in bed......which i have been doing since i got back......i don't feel like dealing with life right now.....i just feel like dying......

and i've thought about it......i've actually been thinking about it actually......destroing my perfect arms with slashes......or just jumping......

i've been thinking about how i would kill myself......and three ways come to mind......

1. slitting my wrists......it almost feels like lately, i've been tring to STOP myself from actually doing so.....instead of encouraging myself to go through it......i dream about it alot too......how easy it could be......just a knife or razor blade......i can see my wrist.....bloody......dripping down to the floor......my perfect arms.....mutilated......

2. drug overdose.......the only reason i would think this WOULDN'T work......is because of the fact that i don't exactly what drugs to use.....and with my height, weight and what nots......i don't know exactly how much i would need.....just the thought of going to sleep and not waking up intrigues me......

3. jumping.....now if i were to die by jumping from a very high altitude......it would most likely be an accident......just cos i'm not terribly afraid of heights like a normal person would be......but the thought......the free fall would be an exilerating feeling......i can imagine myself jumping from a waterfall or high bridge into water......if the fall didn't kill me......the drowning would......and i think that would be my first choice on the jumping scenario.......the second would be off a high building......like a famous building......such as the empire state building or sears tower......a building not in salt lake......but somewhere else......

now of course the main reason i don't just kill myself is because i don't have the guts to......i've thought about it countless times.....but haven't really attempted it.....it's prolly cos deep inside of me.....buried somewhere in my soul......i don't wanna die......i'm just flirting with the thought of suicide......i've seen people who have actually ATTEMPTED suicide.....and i haven't even tried......but the thoughts continue to run through my head......that i should just do it......

another reason is my family......i love my family too much to do this to them.......

i just wanna sleep......it took a lot out of me to get out of bed and log onto the computer.......i was actually hoping a certain someone would have written me......ya know......to lighten my spirit......but he didn't......i've actually been waiting for him to write for a while......i even told him......and he told me that he doesn't normally write people.....he would rather call and get "instant gratification"......but i would still like a message or something......ya know???......when i need a pick-me-up i can go back and read it.....to remind me......and the fact that he TOLD me he would write me back (twice now) and he hasn't......really bugs me......it bugs me MORE that he told me he would write back than it does not getting a response......

it all goes back to the whole "keeping your word" thing......

he also said he would read my blog......and he hasn't......that's why i'm okay with ranting about it in here.....cos he isn't going to read this anyway......i wish he would though......just so he knows what he's getting himself into......that way he could break free without getting overly involved with me......and i don't know.....maybe it's just me......but when i like someone, i read their stuff......*shrugs*

i mean.....let's face it.....after reading this whole blog......would you want to be with me????

i feel broken......there are days when i'm totally content with life......and others where i just want it all to go away......now tell me.....who would want to put up with that????

and it breaks my heart......because i really like him......i mean.....we click.....when i talk to him.....he makes me feel totally comfortable.....he makes me smile and laugh.......we can talk and talk......this past week one night.....we talked for a little over three hours.......and it wasn't like a "bryan" convo where it was just him talking......but it was US talking......sexual fantasies to fate vs destiny to religion......we just mesh so well......and that was just one convo......

what really breaks my heart.....is that i think i like him more that he likes me.......and at times it feels like i can't keep his attention......he's always mulitasking or thinking of other things he needs to do......i remember we were in a middle of a good convo......and he told me that he needed to go cos he needed to call someone else......i was a little put off by that......because here's me concentrating on US.....and he's over there thinking about someone else......and in that same night we get interrupted by his ex girlfriend......and he wanted to talk to her.......so he let me go......he called me back......and i asked him why he wanted to talk to her......something about he giving back his crap......but that still didn't make me feel any better.......

i'm the type of person who wants someone's undivided attention when i'm talking to them or what not......i'm not saying ALL the time.....but if it wasn't over the phone......like in real life......and i was talking to him face to face......and in the middle of my story, he says "you know, i have to go talk to this other person here"......or "it's my ex i need to talk to her".......wouldn't you feel a little bit put off????......stuff like this makes me feel utterly unimportant......

and i'm scared......because i really like him......but i'm afraid of being hurt......i'm willing to jump into this full throttle because my feelings are so strong......but at what cost???......what will happen to me if he rejects me???