keste to the birds!!!!....grrr...arg

ya know???.....this whole "not smoking" thing.....is really kickin my ass.....

even though i feel healthier.....i'm not winded as much.....and i don't stink all the time.....

i'm having the cravings.....

i haven't smoked since mar 25 2006.....

and yeah, it's kickin my ass.....

i have the munchies all the time.....

which really sucks.....

and the funny thing is.....part of me wants to smoke.....

i think it's because smoking is a form of suicide.....

it's slow.....

making yourself slowly unhealthy......instead of a complete lethal dose of harmful chemicals.....smoking allows you to poison yourself slowly.....

i know.....it's wierd.....especially when smoking makes me gag.....

i'm coming to the conclusion that smoking was my form of suicide.....only because i'm too scared to go through with it quickly......

and now that i've stopped smoking.....i don't know what to do.....

and to be honest.....the ONLY reason i stopped smoking was because of bryan......we got in a HUGE fight on the cruise the first night we were there about me smoking.....saying that he wanted me to stop......and he was trying to grab my pack and what not......it got a little physical......he head butted me and i palmed him in the chest.....(no worries, i wasn't hurt.....i'm a tough girl)......and then our fight ended with him yelling at me......he yelled "you know what FUCK IT!!!!.....do whatever you want to do" and stormed away......and then i went the other way.....he made me feel soooo freeeeakin guilty......that i didn't smoke.....i COULDN'T smoke because HE couldn't stand to have me smoke.....

so i stopped.....and then we made an agreement that i wouldn't start up again......

and it's funny......when i think that bryan doesn't know me......he finds the only way to control me.....he's figured that i won't do things for myself.....mostly for others......

anyway......everytime i wanna smoke.....i think of bryan and how upset he was during our fight on the ship.....and it makes me not want to disappoint him like that again......

but now......it's like i don't have a form of hurting myself......i used to be into self-mutilation when i was in jr high.....i used to cut myself.....but that only lasted a couple of months until i started smoking......

yeah.....i started smoking in jr high.....and have been smoking on and off.....and never really had a reason to NOT smoke.....yeah.....i mean there's the logical reasons......for my health.....and what not.....but your OWN health isn't the most important thing to someone who thinks about suicide all the time.....

it wasn't until bryan stepped in and made it all about HIS health.....since we were sharing the same living space for a week.....he's allergic to smoke and what not.....and it was really bothering him.....and he pointed out that because i promised him last year that i would quit smoking......and i didn't......so he got it through my head at that time to quit for him.....and so i did.....

later i confronted him about him wanting me to quit for all the wrong reasons......that i thought that he didn't care about MY health only about him.....and then he told me that he IS concerned about my health......but figured that since he knew i wouldn't quit for ME.....he knew that i would quit for HIM......

weird huh???

i mean a lot of people are like that.....i never thought about it that way......

reminds me of an episode of HOUSE where dr. house is faced with a decision on whether to amputate his leg or die......he refuses to cut off his leg......running the risk of dying than parting with his leg.....he would rather die than have his leg aputated.....and his girlfriend is there.....wanting him to choose to save his own life, instead of death.....so she says:

Would you give up your leg to save my life?

House: Of course I would.

Then why do you think your life is worth less than mine? If this were any other patient, what would you tell them to do?

House: I would say it’s their choice.

Wha – not a chance! You’d browbeat them until they made the choice you knew was right. You’d shove it in their face that it’s just a damn leg! You don’t think you deserve to live? You don’t think you deserve to be happy? Now let them cut off your leg!

House: I can’t, I can’t, I’m sorry.

and this makes me wonder.....why do I think someone else's life (or in this case - health) is more important than my own???.....why when it came to quitting smoking, all these years i couldn't quit for myself.....but i can quit cold turkey for bryan???

i think there's something seriously wrong with my wiring......

*sighs*