wierd dreams part 2....and self reflection

so.....this has been on my mind lately......so i thought i would write about it......

back when i was dating david......i would have this re-occuring dream of him proposing to me.....now it's not what you think......i mean.....yeah.....i really liked the guy.....so i thought dreaming about him proposing would just be normal right???.....

well as you come to suspect.....there is nothing "normal" about me.....

it turns out that everytime i dreamed about david proposing to me......my very first reaction i have in the dream.....is confusion.....yeah.....seriously......instead of jumping up and down with joy and glee.....i look at him all confused and ask "are you sure???" or i tell him he's crazy or i politely turn him down......wierd huh???.....cos i really liked him at the time.....and he would make a great husband.....he's a good guy.....so why in my dream am i not happy that he proposed????.....why wouldn't i want to marry him????

now here's the kicker......

a couple of weeks ago......i start having the same dream again......but this time.....it's bryan who's proposing......and what happens in THAT dream????......yeah......i jump for joy.....screaming "yes!!!!".....and shedding tears of happiness.....

now what the FUCK is that shit?!?!?!?!

are you fuckin kidding me????

i mean there's david.....who i want to be with.....but my dreams tell me something else.....

there's byran who i DON'T want to be with.....but my dreams tell me something else.....

yeah.....i like bryan.....but not in THAT way.....i love him.....like i love david.....but i'm not IN love with him......i'm not IN love with either of them.....

this is what dreammoods.com says:

Proposal To dream that you are being proposed to, indicates that you are merging a previously unknown aspect of yourself More directly, the dream suggests you are thinking about marriage or some serious long-term commitment/project/situation. Your reaction to the proposal indicates your true feelings about marriage or commitment. To dream of a proposal of marriage can also suggest that some situation will take a turn for the worse.

lol....duh....i'm ALWAYS thinking of getting married....always wondering if that's EVER going to happen for me.....and turning for the worse is never finding "the one"......

but this dream DOES bug me though......i'm so confused......again.....my heart is yearning for something that isn't there......why do i do this to myself????......all it does is make me all depressed and shit......

grrrrrr......

oh and another kicker.......

i used to have dreams that david would physically hurt me......like get into a huge car accident with him driving and me in the passenger seat......and i would dream different ways.....like a semi crashing into the passenger side......or a tire blew out and he lost control and slammed my side into a barrier.....or something like that......where i would get seriously hurt.....but not die......and it was always an accident.....like he didn't mean for me to get hurt.....it just happened......

and it turns out in the end......david DID hurt me......he broke my heart......he didn't mean for it to happen......it just did

and before me and bryan went on the cruise......i would dream that he would get into a car accident driving me around......and my side would always get hit.....whether it be someone running a red light......or a tire blew.....my side of the car would get the blunt of the impact.....sending me to the hospital.....never dying.....just seriously hurt......

and yes.....bryan did hurt me on the ship by not wanting to hang out with me......but he didn't mean to......i was really upset that i brought him on the cruise.....i planned the cruise for him.....and he would rather leave me strangers......than hang out with me......

and this is what dreammoods.com has to say:

Car Accident To dream of a car accident, symbolizes your emotional state. You may be harboring deep anxieties and fears. Are you "driving" yourself too hard? This dream may tell you to slow down before you hit disaster. You need to rethink or re-plan your course of actions and set yourself on a better path.

yeah......i'm harboring deep anxieties and fears of getting hurt......

i guess the biggest thing i was upset about bryan was him being deployed to iraq......and this was his last "hurrah" before he left......and i don't want to sound EXTREMELY melodramatic......but this could have been the last time i see him......cos i don't know what's going to happen to him in iraq......he's planning on coming back.....but you never know......

i guess i wanted to build a connection or a bond......like what i have with david.....not for any romantic purposes.....but to feel special.....or important to someone.....ya know????......but he blew me off......and made me feel like i was in the way......and unwanted......something i did not want to feel on our vacation.....the complete opposite actually......

i don't know......i just want to be special to someone.....i want to be excited about life.....and i want to share my life.....i want to feel whole.....

so going back to the dreams.....i've come to the conclusion that if i'm with a guy.....and i dream about a car accident.....then....eventually he's going to hurt me.....*shrugs*......

i just have the wierdest dreams ya know????.....why can't i just have "normal - happy" dreams.....not dreams that confuse the hell out of me or depress me.....but come to think about it......i haven't been happy in a long time.....and i'm thinking really hard......and i can't think of my "happy place"......i can't think of a happy place with just me......all my happy places have someone there......

shit.....i think i've stumbled onto something.....

i need to be content on being alone.....

i need to find a way......to be happy.....alone......

i need to stop yearning for change in my life.....and just like the way it is.....

*heavy sigh*

(crap.....i hate when i write and i have a "ding-ding-ding" moment......or a light switch just turns on....."duh" moments in the making)

you know how hard that's going to be????

to tell yourself to stop WANTING something you've been WANTING for so long????

arg

*sighs again*