i miss him.....

so david came down last week for a wedding.....and made some time for me......

we went and watched a movie.....and then we talked for about 2 1/2 hours in front of my house in his car.....

and i miss him.....

everyday i sit and wonder about all the things i could have done differently to keep us together......i sit and think about how i should have done this.....or i should have said that.....all the things that could have been different......

at the time during our break up.....i prayed about it......and THE LORD told me.....that it wasn't the right time for me and david to be together......and that if we had stayed together......it would have been bad......and we wouldn't be friends afterward......

so we agreed to break up.....to save the friendship......

i told david that THE LORD told me that he wasn't the one for me......and he agreed......but it wasn't what the THE LORD told me......HE told me it wasn't the right time......

the reason i told david that he wasn't "the one" was because that's what i was telling myself......so i can move on......

but it's been almost 3 years since the break up.......and i'm still having a hard time moving on......

i mean david hasn't......he's dating......meeting new girls......he even moved to a different state in pursuit of one......HE'S moved on......why can't i????

i keep telling myself that david and i will NEVER get back together......but i do have to say......i have a glimmer of hope that we will.....

david's the best thing that has ever happened to me......

and i've been telling myself to move on.....let him go.....and i can't

usually with my other breakups......i had an exact reason to be mad at my ex's......one cheated on me.....one hit me.....and so forth......basic jerks......

but i can't find a reason why i'm not with david other than the fact that it's all me.....it's all my fault......i'm not pretty enough......or skinny enough......or i'm too demanding......or something......it's all me......and then i have this little notion that if i change......lose weight or be more carefree......david would come back to me......but i know it's absurd......

i don't know.....it's like i have two or more people inside of me.....fighting......

part of me wants to do this......another wants me to do that......and another sits back and critizes everything letting the depressed/lazy side of me take over......

i don't think i have multiple personalities cos i know who i am......and from research tells me that mulitple personalities are not aware of the other personalities.....or whatever......

but i feel torn......and confused......

the part of me that knows better......to move on......is constantly in battle with the part that wants to hope david and i will get back together......a constant battle that's been hurting me ever since david and i broke up......

and then another part of me says that david and i shouldn't be friends......out of sight......out of mind......but i know my soul will collapse because david is the only one who understands me......he is the ONLY one that is patient with me.....and he is the only one who i can honestly trust......and to cut him out of my life.....is to cut al and chrissie out too......al being david's 1st cousin.....chrissie being an acquaintence since kindergarden and becoming a good friend......

sometimes i think that david is the one for me......but i am not the one for him.....and that pains me......it pains me to know that one day.....he'll find someone BETTER than me......who will make him happy......

i remember when we broke up, that i asked him not to get married before me......he didn't make any promises......but on this last visit......i told him that i "release him from that obligation".....(even though he never agreed to it)......because i don't feel like it's ever going to happen for me......

as much as i want to hope that i'll find "the one"......and get married and have kids......the dark reality still remains.....that hope doesn't promise anything......and as much as i hope......and try to go out and meet people.....and what not......doesn't mean anything......

i'm 26 years old......and single......and i want to be in love with someone.......i want to feel the passion......i want to be the world for someone......i want to share my life with someone......and it just feels like it's never going to happen......who's going to fall in love with ME????......

i mean honestly......i think i'm pretty......just not beautiful or gorgeous......i'm not skinny.....but i'm not extremely obese either......and some days i'm happy with myself......mostly......i'm not......

it's just hard when i meet someone and not compare myself to everyone else in the room......like if i see someone who i think is good looking or nice......i look around and see so many other girls who are prettier than me.....and tell myself....."why should i even bother when he could have her???"......i know i should be putting myself down or anything......but it's true......

i really have nothing to offer a guy except loyalty, honesty, trust......i can make almost anyone laugh......and i can totally talk to strangers......i have a wealth of stupid trivia locked in my head which allows me to talk about almost anything.......i'll try almost anything......i love to learn about new things so if a guy is interested in something i have no knowledge about......i can learn quickly......i love music......i love to teach......and i love families.....i love to laugh......and people tell me i have the cutest giggle......i've also been told i have a great smile......and i'm a good listener......

BUT GUYS AREN'T INTO THESE ASPECTS......

they are mostly into the physical aspects......a department that i'm lacking......

except david......he was able to overlook my physical attributes......and get to know me......the real me......and that's where he comes to understand me......that's where our bond comes in......

there were times even before we were dating.....where i would just concentrate about david......sending a mental vibe to him.....mentally telling him to call me......and he would......or we would know each other's thoughts without saying a word.....just a gesture or a look.....and we knew what to do......

and that's something i desperately miss......that bond......that connection......and not just with david......but with anybody.......i miss having someone look into my soul and not be shut down or critized......

i miss having my soul be hugged......have you ever had your soul hugged????......it's like an embrace where time stops for a second.....you close your eyes......and forget what's all around you.....you feel like you can live in that embrace for the rest of your life and don't want to let go......your soul breathes life.....not just air.....but life itself.....and everything around you is in complete harmony and serenity.......

that's how david's hugs used to be......our last hug was a little like that......

and i miss it.....i miss it all