For Ryan.....

this is what my friend ryan wrote in a blog on his myspace......

Dear Liz,

You are an incredible person. For the past few years, I've known you only through your brother. All that changed not more than two weeks ago, when you and I shared a Sunday night. No one else. Just you and me at that infamous bar. We drank...... a lot. We talked even more. You told me your secrets and I shared my raw feelings with you. We laughed and joked. We ate those free hot wings they gave us. We went over our plans to be roommates in August. You told me how excited you were, but also how scary it all was. I understood and comforted you the best way I could. I even held your hand as you cried. And I assurred you I will do everything I can to make August a new beginning. Then I hugged you...


Throughout the night, I came to realize how brilliant you truly are. Unlike any other girl I've known. And hilarious as well (when you want to be). I told you how much you reminded me of your brother. You considered that to be the best compliment anyone has ever given you. But I was just being honest... you do remind me so much of him. It's in the way you talk, the way you articulate, and how you express your frustration with the world. It's even in your sharp wit and pessimism. But it's funny how I've never noticed that amazing smile before... perhaps you don't do it often enough.


On our way home, we sang along to some great jazz, each impressed that the other knew the songs. And as I crashed at your place, in your brother's old room, you talked a bit more with me. We soon said our goodnights, and I told you, "come here". And as I hugged you again - this time for much longer - I whispered into your ear, "everything is going to be alright". When we finally let go of each other, I said to you, "You take care of yourself, alright?". It was a night that will stick with me forever. And I've been very much looking forward to us becoming close friends, as well as roommates in the very near future.


Today, your brother called me to tell me the news. It seems they found you in a hotel room this morning somewhere in Spokane. You killed yourself last night...


I feel lost right now. In fact, at this very moment everything seems surreal to me. It hasn't quite hit me yet, but I know it soon will in force. There's so much I want to say, but no words escape my mouth. Your brother and I are completely devastated, as I told you we would be if this were to ever happen. But he has his own stuff to tell you, so I'll only speak as myself....


I will miss you. More than you know. And I consider myself incredibly lucky to have known you, even if just for a short while. You were amazing, beautiful, unique and funny. I consider you a great friend, and special to me in many ways. Lately, I've even begun to think of you as somewhat of the sister I've never had. I took it upon myself to help your brother look out for you. And exactly that, I was going to do. I know we were going to be the best of friends. I just know it... But now you're gone. And all we have left is the memory of that special night.


Thank you for everything; for letting me know you.


I love you. I love you and I will never fucking forget you.


This I promise...


Your friend,


---Ryan

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As some of you already know, I wrote the above "letter" yesterday and posted it on my blog. I feel very strongly about wanting to make a bulletin out of it as well, because I realize not everyone bothers to read blogs. And this one is especially important to me...


This is the first time I have had to deal with this kind of devastation from someone so close to me. It has even caused me to cry for the first time in about six years. And while I can't honestly say the full impact has hit me quite yet, it's only a matter of time before it does. But for the most part, I've been completely numb to my surroundings. I don't feel angry at all. I'm obviously not happy. I don't feel like laughing or joking around....


I just don't feel....So this is where I'm at right now, just to answer any questions you might have. I expect to be away for a few days to deal with some things. I plan to drive back to Idaho very soon to meet up with her family within the next five days. I'll let you all know when I return.


Until then, thank you SO much for all of your thoughts and comments in this difficult time. I truly appreciate each and every one of them. And it's comforting to to know I have such great friends...


---Ryan

this makes me soo sad......to know that a really good friend of mine is going through this.....and i can't be there to comfort him.....

and to think......everytime i go on vacation or what not.....and i'm a hotel......that i could have ended up like Liz......the only thing that's keeping me from not going through with something like that......is cases just like this......my friends and family......i can't do that to them.....

someone also very close to me.....died by suicide.....he hung himself......and i will always remember that day.....labor day 1994.......i was one of the people there who found the body......i even helped my dad untie him down.....i still remember my mother's scream.....and my brothers' (the twins) look of confusion, shock and horror in their eyes......

i was 14 at the time......my brothers were only 9.....and it was devastating for me and my family......it got to the point where we wouldn't leave our parents because we thought that THEY would kill themselves too and that us kids would come home to find their bodies......so we hardly ever left the house after that......

i remember that i didn't cry at the funeral because of the loss.....but i cried because i saw how this deeply affected my family......and i will always remember how my family felt.....

it was hard.....very hard......

this is WHY i will NEVER commit suicide.....no matter how much i wish to die.....no matter how much i think about it.....no matter how much i just what to end it all......i cannot put my family through that AGAIN......the blame.....the guilt......and leaving my family and friends uncared for......i always think in the back of my head.....who's going to take care of them when i'm gone???......what will happen to them when i'm not here???

and i know how ryan feels......that familiar numbing feeling inside because you're in complete shock.....dazed at how someone so wonderful.....is all of a sudden not there......how something so "permanent" became the solution to something so "temporary"......you feel dumbfounded because you think about all the times you felt down in the dumps......and how that could have been you.....

then the guilt comes and you start to feel that you could have done more......maybe said something different......or could have DONE something differently......or picked up on something they said or did to save them from themselves.....or maybe they would have remembered how much you cared for them.....and it would have made them stop.....you start to blame yourself for not making it clear to them that they were important to you.....and that you loved them.....

so you start to feel betrayed.......thinking how they could have been so selfish????......especially when they knew how much they mean to you.....and they took it all away without regard.....not even thinking about all the people they would affect.....or about all the people loving them......how could they do this????

and then you realize how desperate they were......how utterly sad they were......how utterly alone they felt.....and that no matter what you could have done or said.....wouldn't have made any difference.....because they were so far from the sun.....buried within themselves......they couldn't see day......or live another moment in darkness......and they gave up......

and i wish for ryan to not let this overcome him with grief or sorrow......

and for him to never give up.....

and that if he falls into darkness......where he can't see the sun......he will call me.....and i will help him as much as i can.....

i want ryan to know how much i love him.....and that i truly wish nothing but the best for him......even though i have never heard his voice.....or seen him face to face.....his words touch my heart......and that i truly DO care for him.....

i don't know how to tell him this without sounding completely insane or that i'm IN love with him......i don't want to scare him away by any means......but i do love him......like a good friend......*chuckles*......i guess you can say i love him, like i love bryan and david......each in their own unique way......

and i wish there was a way for him to know this.....to know that i am here for him.....and that i know a little bit of what he's going through......

For Ryan is special to me because he takes glimpses into my soul.....and doesn't run away.....he is special to me, because we see the world in almost the same way......we both use music as an outlet.....poetry and blogging as expression.....and he is a rare find.....

not only is he sincere and loyal.....but also honest and articulate.....which i find extremely satisfying in this day-an-age where players and liars run rampant......to find a rare jewel such as ryan is something you hold on to and value......a friendship you cherish.....ryan is a person who is necessary in my life's balance.....when things go awry or i feel like a little pick-me-up......i look at his picture......or read one of his poems.....or stories.....and smile.....

i want ryan to be aware that he is not alone.....that i am there for him.....as he's always been there for me.....he doesn't know that every message or comment is taken with great gratitude and appreciation because i know he is there for me......just knowing that he's out there.....gives me hope that there are more people out there in the world like him.....

he doesn't know that i think of him daily.....whenever i pass a taco bell.....or think of tattoos.....or hear a john mayer song......if i'm not already thinking of him.....i will be.....i only wish that i could be a friend to him.....as he is to me.....he doesn't know how much he means to me......and the scope of it.....is indescribable.....

i just wish i could tell him.....