wierd dreams

so....i've been sick lately....a little over a month....and it's not just cos i have been partying hard or anything....though i'm sure all that contributed to me been sick all the time....but i believe another factor is cos i haven't been getting much sleep lately.....

ever since the new year i've been having two re-occurring dreams (among others but these two really get to me) that wake me up in the middle of the night....and makes it so i can’t get back to sleep cos i lay awake thinking about it.....and then there are nights where i would just lay in bed and think about the dreams, hoping i won’t have them and before i know it.....it’s time to get up.....it’s frustrating going throughout the day like a zombie cos i can’t effin sleep at night with my mind racing the way it’s been.....and since i’m not sleeping.....i’m not getting the time i need for my body to re-coup.....so i’m going to open myself up and tell you guys my dreams and what i’ve been thinking.....and maybe i can finally get it out of me so i can effin sleep.....

here’s one of my dreams.....

....it’s my wedding day.....i’m beautiful and i’m in the bride’s dressing room getting ready to walk down the aisle and i have tears running down my face.....i ask one of my attendants to go fetch david for me.....and he comes in and says that one of the girls said that i wanted to see him.....and i’m still teary eyed but give him a smile because i’m sooo happy to see him and that i’m sooo happy he’s there.....he comes and sits by and asks me what’s wrong....and i say to him “well david i have to tell you something but you have to promise not to interrupt me” and he says “okay”.....i reach for david’s hand and hold it and then i go on and tell him that i’m still in love with him and that i know that he doesn’t love me....but i can’t help the way i feel.....and that i wish it were him i was walking down the aisle to.....yadda yadda yadda.....basically bearing my soul to him....telling him how much i wish we would love me too.....blah blah blah....and then i stand up....still holding his hand.....and he stands up.....i go into give him a kiss on the cheek and we embrace.....i’m giving him the longest hug cos i know it will be the last time.....and right before i let go....i whisper in his ear “i will always be in love with you”.....i pull away....tears are now gone and i look at him smiling.....and then i say “lets go get me married”.....

then the dream fast forwards to me walking down the aisle toward my groom.....sometimes my dad is escorting me....and sometimes i’m walking down the aisle by myself....and my wedding is so beautiful.....it’s spring and i’m getting married in a meadow.....my guests are all standing in front of their white chairs watching me walk down the aisle.....and there’s a lot of light green and the sun is brightly shining.....basically my perfect wedding......but i’m crying again.....tears trickling down my face but with a forced smile....my guests whisper as i walk by them and i can hear them saying “she must be sooo happy she’s crying”.....but in reality....i’m very sad because my groom isn’t david.....i get to the end of the aisle....and my groom is smiling at me.....he tells me that i’m beautiful and all that.....and my face is burning as if david was burning a hole my brain cos i can see him in the corner of my eye sitting among my guests and i’m trying sooo very hard not to look at him....

now here’s where the dream changes a bit.....when we get to the part of the ceremony where the guy says.....“now if there is anyone here who can say that these two should not get married, let him speak now or forever hold his peace”......

scenario 1: i stare at my groom hoping david stands up and tells everyone that i still love him and that he loves me too....--and he does--.....and then i run off with him.....

scenario 2: i look at david....and he just sits the staring at me and then a tear runs down my face as i turn back to my groom as the guy pronounces us “husband and wife”

scenario 3: chrissie stands up and tells everyone that i’m still in love with david....and when i look at david, he kinda slouches all embarrassed.....and i run out crying cos now everyone knows that i love someone who doesn’t love me and now i’m embarrassed and can’t look my groom in the face anymore.....

scenario 4: chrissie stands up and tells everyone that she knows david is in love with me and that she’s pretty sure i’m in love with david.....and that seeing two friends who love each other and are not together is absurd.....and then i look kinda shocked at david cos i didn’t know he felt that way.....and then he stands up.....and says “she’s right.....and i can’t watch you marry someone you don’t love”.....and he starts bearing his soul in front of everyone and i take off with him....

scenario 5: i stare at my groom....no one interrupts......we get married and then at the reception i give david one more hug.....tell him thanks for coming.....and then i watch him walk out of my life never to return....my heart sinks a bit...but i put a smile back on my face as i celebrate my NEW life with my husband.....

(there are other scenarios or the ones i talk about are a little bit different each time, but i’m sure you get the hint)

now how screwed up is that dream???.....first of all.....i don’t consider myself ever in love with david....second of all....why would i marry someone i wasn’t in love with???.....and most importantly.....they say a dream is a wish your heart makes so why is my heart yearning for something my brain knows is NOT there and is never going to happen???.....

i mean....me and david have been over and done with 2 1/2 years ago....we’re never going to get back together....he’s a totally different person now and so am i....plus he would never come back to me....part of me wishes he would just so i’d have him in my life and i won’t be alone and what not....but after a while i would be miserable....i mean he had his reasons for breaking up and i do too.....one reason was that he wasn’t romantic enough.....and another was that i couldn’t get all “lovey-dovey” with him.....like i couldn’t get myself to call him “honey” or “hon” or anything like that....among others....

it just wasn’t meant to be....and i know this.....so WHY am i dreaming that i’m in love with him???....i don’t understand it....

i guess part of it could be that he’s the only “good guy” that i’ve dated.....i mean he doesn’t smoke, he doesn’t drink, we have a good time, i can trust him and talk to him....but that “spark” wasn’t there.....or it was and it went away.....i dunno.....i just think it’s going to be hard to find someone like him who is a hopeless romantic.....

and then after this dream....i lay there and remember all the good times we had....and i start to think about all the things that went wrong with us and how much i wish i could go back in time and change some of the stuff we did or some of the stuff that happened.....

which leads me to my next re-occurring dream.....i started having this dream after thinking so much about “the wedding” dream.....which i like to call “the regret”.....

“the regret” dream is david and i talking.....and he brings up a conversation we had.....basically the conversation was the “pre-sex” talk i had with him.....back when we were dating.....we talked about having sex....and i knew that he was a virgin....and i told him that i didn’t want him to lose his virginity to me because i didn’t want him to regret it.....a lot of people (including myself) regret their first time....thinking that should have waited for “the one” and what not.....and i specifically told him that i didn’t want him to regret losing his virginity to me....especially if he found someone later down the line....and i didn’t want him to think he should have waited for her and regret being with me....i specifically gave him this scenario and he told me that he wouldn’t regret it....he told me that he wouldn’t regret us like that....he even told me that he wanted to have sex with me for a long time...(we didn’t have sex until after a couple of months of dating)

anyway back to the dream....me and david are talking about nothing.....and then he says “remember that time you told me that i would regret us being together if i found someone else?”.....and then i say “yeah?”....and then he says “you were right”.....and then i get all effin upset.....yelling at him for telling me this....and basically asking him if he was “trying to break my heart all over again”.....yelling at him and asking him why he would tell me that.....and i’m crying and what not.....and then my dream ends in different ways but with the same result.....

i wake up all upset and emotional.....and then *I* start regretting sleeping with david.....thinking that maybe i shouldn’t have....at least not for his first time.....cos it’s the first time you remember the most.....and i start to think that maybe i shouldn’t have been david’s first time....and i start to wonder that maybe that was something i wish i could go back and change....i should have stopped him by telling him that he should give his virginity to someone he loved and someone who was special to him....not just cos he was horny or cos he wanted to get rid of it or just cos i was willing....

i’ve been thinking about all this a lot....and along with “the wedding” and “the regret” dreams.....come back the “suicide” dreams.....of course i will NEVER kill myself...i will NEVER do that to my family....plus i don’t have the guts to go through with it....but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about it.....i mean i don’t wanna DIE....i just wanna different life....

i mean.....i’m starting to think that my life has no purpose....that no matter what i do....someone else can to it better....that i’m expendable....i can be replaced and forgotten with a “no never mind to you”.....and that i don’t have a place in this world....i mean.....i haven’t done anything extraordinary or great.....and i’m sure that if i wasn’t born.....nothing would be different....and even if they were....they’d probably be better....people say “you shouldn’t go through life trying change the world.....but go through world and change someone‘s life“.....or something like that....and i can’t think of anyone who’s life is better because i’m here....not anyone....i have no purpose.....and no one would care if i died tomorrow....and if i disappeared....no one would come looking for me.....everyone would forget me....and it’s sad to say that people already have....it’s just a matter of time before everyone else will too.....cos no one cares about me.....

it’s hard to say all those things....but that’s they way i feel....i know that i am truly blessed.....but there are times that i would give it all away just so i don’t have to feel this way.....feeling empty, alone and unwanted.....

is it too much to ask to be important to someone???.....and have some attention from someone???.....just be loved by someone???.....to want “more than words”???.....to be special to someone???.....i mean i know i shouldn’t validate my life through someone else’s or yearn for something that isn‘t there like with david.....but i can’t help it....everyone around me has someone.....and i don’t.....and i feel that no matter what i do....i’m never going to find my “someone” who wants me the way i am.....and it makes me sooo very depressed and empty.....