Just Like Heaven

so i just got back from watching this movie that stars reese weatherspoon....

and it's just one of those chick flicks that makes me so depressed....

i mean, yeah it's a good movie.....in a chick flick kinda way.....

it's just the concept that is depressing for me.....basically the happy ending.....i'm wierd, it's just life isn't all happy endings......and i'm beginning to wonder if my life will have a happy ending, or if it will fade away unnoticed.....

chick flicks have a way of doing that to me......A LOT LIKE HEAVEN, THE NOTEBOOK, even A WALK TO REMEMBER.....portraying life as a need to connect with someone, to be noticed.....finding "the one".....even if it's for a brief moment.....

i remember watching SHALL WE DANCE......starring richard gere, susan surandon and jennifer lopez......and a quote from that movie (if i even remember anything in that movie cos it was kinda blah) i will always remember......

We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

this always makes me wonder if i'll ever find "my witness"......find that long lasting connection.....i thought i had found it with david.....i swear i thought we were connected......even if it was for a moment......but it's that long lasting connection i'm yearning for......

people are always saying "hang in there" or "you're young, you'll find someone"......and i just look at them and chuckle......cos honestly.....i'm tired of "hanging in there".......and i'm not young......i'm 25.....by LDS standards AND polynesian standards......i'm an old maid.....

i'm mean seriously......i'm starting to lose hope......i'm starting to face the brutal reality that maybe i'll never find "the one".....i'm never going to find true love......and that i'm most likely going to fade away.....unnoticed.....and forgotten.....

making me wish my life were like the movies......the chick flicks that lonely, hopeless romantics like myself, go see to torture ourselves.....seeing boy meeting girl.....boy and girl have issues.....boy and girl overcome issues.....(cos love can overcome anything)......and boy and girl live happily ever after......

and i know what sky would say to this......"if it's making you depressed watching those movies.....than don't watch them"......lol.....yeah, her voice is in my head......i can't get it out sometimes.....

but i go to remind me to hope.....that maybe.....one day......i'll get lucky......and the fates, the powers that be, destiny, god, whoever i decide to believe in at the time.....might feel sorry for me and send a great guy who will love me for the way i am and be with me......

there was a time i gave up on love......after Fil.....i swore off guys......but then i met david....and he convinced me believe in love again.....i was so compelled, at the time, to change my view on love that i even got a tattoo which is the kanji symbol for love on me......to remind me never to give up......but lately, it feels that i should just throw in the towel......and now my tattoo reminds me of something i'll never find......

sometimes, in the morning.....i don't wanna get out of bed.....and i wish that i could just sleep forever.....because living inside my head, is soooo much nicer than living in reality.....i literally have to drag myself out of bed.....not because i don't want to go to work.....but because of the comfort i feel......i feel comfortable in my bed, thinking about all the things in my life that "could have been"......or dreaming that i was someone else......and i think that i could live inside my head forever......just sleeping away the days......dreaming about how my life "could of been"......instead of facing "what it is".......or doing something about it.....

i just want someone to love me......for me......i don't wanna change who i am.....i just wanna be me

but it seems that who i am and being me.....is just something no one wants......

*sigh*