so.....

i haven't written in over a month.....i've been putting it off since i haven't finished my fort lauderdale story.....but i figure i need to move on.....and when i get back to finishing my story about fort lauderdale.....i'll finish it.....

there's just been so much happening since may......

first and foremost that's been bugging me lately......is that i was made a fool......i was lead to believe that this someone really cared about me.....and made me think that i was special.....and it was all a lie......we planned this road trip and he promised me that we'd go.....gave me his word.....and today, i'm still at home when i was planning to be in santa monica right now......i was supposed to leave last week wednesday, i told bryan and david my plans and they said it wasn't going to happen and that i shouldn't even plan to go.....but i hoped.....i hoped to prove them wrong.....but they were right......i was really looking forward to this vacation.....but it turned out to be a lie.....i mean, the guy didn't even contact me or tell me that the trip was cancelled......he just blew me off.....i kept my hopes up all the way up to the day of the trip.....only to have hoped for nothing......i became really depressed......kicking myself for being sooooooo stupid......i almost started crying at work thinking about how stupid i was for believing in this guy......i quickly messaged bryan on my phone......and instead of saying "i told you so".......he told me not to sweat the small stuff and that if i needed to talk, to give him a call......bryan is such a good friend.....even after going on vacation together and hanging out and sharing the same condo for a week......he can STILL tolerate me......if only if he wasn't soooo damn skinny.......lol

anyway......david came down a couple weeks ago......and we hung out and talked......we watched "the 40-year old virgin"......and gawd damn was that movie funny......we went to eat and then sat in the car and talked for a little over an hour......i told him that i have soooo many good memories of us......from when we dated and from just being friends......and then i realized how much i still liked him......but was not "in love" with him anymore......and that maybe the reason i haven't been interested in anyone......is because i haven't gotten over him yet......i told him this......and hearing me say it out loud......gave me some realization that me and david ARE NEVER getting back together......"never" is a long time.......and it's not that i wouldn't want to......i mean he's a great guy......but i don't wanna settle......there are things about david that i wish he was, and he ain't......(being romantic would be the biggest thing).......and i don't think he's going to change for me......and there are things he wants......that i don't have.......(like a killer body).......and that's fine......and i figured that after 2 years of holding out......hoping he would come around.....is long enough......i just wish i had more bad memories about him.......it's hard to hate someone and get over them when they have given you sooooo many good memories.......i figure.....i need someone to give me more good memories......

and this is where i'm at......i mean......i've been single for 2 years......and i feel that there is just no one out there for me......i seem to attract all the jerks......and all the good guys "just wanna be friends".......which i'm totally cool with......but WHEN is a good guy going to SEE me......and think "wow, she's a cool person that i'd wanna be with"????.......

thinking about how i am soooooo not the type of girl guys go for.......is just sooooo depressing......am i just destined to be alone???......i mean......i guess i could change.......lose a whole bunch of weight and wear tons of makeup and what not......but that's just not me......why do i have to change???......why can't i find someone to love for who i am and the way that i am???

being THIS depressed......brings back suicide dreams and thoughts in my head......i wonder every night......"what's the point?"