suicide dreams

i've been feeling a little down......okay, A LOT down......i just feel yucky and blah.......like if someone locked me in a room with ample supply of water and food and a toilet and bath......all the necessities i need to exist.......i would be fine......away from everyone.......just me......i would sleep all the time......and just dream.....

sometimes i just feeling like i'm just existing......

that my life has no purpose.......if i died tomorrow.......it wouldn't matter to anyone......

i've actually had dreams that i'll just do it......when i'm in florida......sitting at night on the beach......with a knife......sometimes i chuck the knife into the ocean......other times i put the blade to my wrist and make hesitation marks.......like little cuts on the side on my wrist but never all the way through......other times i'm holding the knife, crying and someone sees me sitting there crying and comes over and starts talking to me.......sometimes that person is my friend bryan......other times it a stranger......and if it's not a knife......it's a small razor.......

just a note: i'm right handed......but i'm holding the knife or razor with my left hand and cutting my right wrist.......

other times in my dream......i'm standing on the beach......with a long flowing dress......at night......the wind is blowing......and i slowly start walking into the ocean......sometimes, bryan sees me and runs in to save me (cos i can't swim)......other times the water gets to my waist......and i wake up.......

i mean......i know i will never commit suicide......i could never do that to my family......not again......my whole family is suicidal......i have had three family members who tried a few times that i know of......and one person in particular who did succeed.......and watching my family go through that with unanswered questions.......and thinking it was THEIR fault and what not......i would never do that to my parents or brothers.......

but i think about it......

or even hoping someone would just kidnap me and take me away......

or even praying to just die in my sleep......have god take me.......praying not to wake up...... or just wanting to wake up as someone else......

i mean......i have a good life.......a job......family......shelter.....food......but i feel out of place......like i don't belong.......

and that i'll never ever find that special someone.......no one would wanna love me......no one would want me......

and on the dreams that i'm walking into the ocean......it's as if i'm watching it......like i'm outside of myself and i'm watching me walk into the ocean......i don't experience the ocean.......i don't feel it.......

and on the dreams where i'm slitting my wrist......one time i actually did in my dream......i slit it wide open......but i didn't bleed......and i was looking down at my wrist......a huge open slit......with no blood......

but most of my dreams about florida & life......i'm not even hurting myself......just laying on the beach......listening to the ocean......staring at the night sky......and letting my mind wander.......sometimes bryan is there......or someone comes and tries to talk to me and we lay on the beach......it is the only time i try to live in the moment......just staring at the stars......i try to float up or just wonder about the universe.......something i would really wanna do......lay on the beach and stare at the stars......that is one of my better dreams......