shadows approaching

yesterday was my birthday....and let me tell you, it was the worst birthday that i have ever had....

first we went to my aunt's house where ALL my family was there on my mom's side....aunts, uncles, cousins, the whole shebang....and that was cool....

then we all went into the living room to have a family talk like we always do....and everyone is going around the room, telling everyone what they did for new years and telling me happy birthday and what not....and then we get to my dad....and he looks at me and says "rolene, stop eating" and then goes on and on (in samoan) about how fat i've gotten and what not....IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, no happy birthday, nothing....he totally ripped my heart out and stomped on it in front of everyone....i've never felt soooo unloved and ugly in my whole life....and earlier my mom had told my dad to buy a birthday cake for the whole family to celebrate and he told her that i didn't need a cake cos i need to lose weight....so we didn't have a cake there either....

i left early yesterday with my bros and went home....and i laid in bed for two hours and just cried and cried....i mean my dad has said sone pretty harsh shit to me in my life....but this is the first time he's said anything like that to me in front of everyone....and out of ALL days to do humiliate me like that, he did it on my birthday....

i mean yeah, i'm overweight....but i'm not morbidly obese....i can still do everything i want to do....and i was finally getting to the point where i was happy with myself....and then my dad has to pull this shit....and bring me back down....

this is the kind of shit i had to grow up with....and where my low self esteem comes from....i've never felt beautiful and this is why....and i'm trying sooo sooo sooo very hard to not get depressed over this....and fighting back tears as i type....